Too Much Crafty - Not enough time or talent

What did I do today? Oh that's right a triathlon!

2006-08-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

I did my triathlon today. I was a bit nervouse at first, but I did it! I finished in 1 hour, 54 minutes and 42 seconds. Roughly 5 and 18 seconds under what I predicted!
The swim was definitely tough. I ended up doing most of it on my back or sidestroking. It seemed to be the only way I could really control my breathing. That and I got hit a couple of times and someone swam over my legs. But I did it in 23 minutes, so I was happy with that. My first transition was a bit long, only because I helped someone get their bike unlocked from the other bikes and then I got my bike stuck on the chain of one of the bikes around me. The ride was pretty good. I had to get off my bike on Day St just because there was a speedy person on my left and a walker in front of me. After that, it was pretty darn good. And I remember thinking, "this is friggin' awesome! I'm doing a triathlon!" The bike part I did in 49 minutes or so. Bike to run transition was darn good - I didn't have bike shoes, so it was throw the bike on the rack, remove the helmet, throw on my number and get running. By that point my legs and the rest of me were a bit achy, so I tryed to take it a bit easy. I did some walking but I'm guessing I ran most of it. On the run, I just remember not even really having control of my legs. They wanted to run and that's what I did. I ran the big hill and after that, it all seemed pretty darn easy. Once hit the chute, it was an all out sprint. And I think I did the run in around 33 minutes.
And I have to say, we had the perfect transition spot (thank you team danskin training!). We were dead center in the transition area.
I also walked down and watched the elites hit the water. And made it back to the transition area in time to be jealous of their bikes.
I definitely felt pretty darn good thru the whole thing and I took time to really kinda take it all in and enjoy it. I had a blast! I can honestly say, I'm definitely doing that again next year. And perhaps a few more during the summer.
Dear God help me... I'm hooked.

So what did you do today?

It's almost here

2006-08-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

We did a super sprint triathlon this past weekend. It went well. I learned a few things and I feel confident that I will cross the finish line. Now it's just a matter of getting my mind and my limbs on the same page :)

The best birthday present ever

2006-08-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

I decided to bike to group training, roughly a 5 mile bike. When I got there, we were told that we were going to do our very first half mile swim, that is, if we wanted to. You could do a quarter mile if you wanted to. I chose the half mile swim. And I did it. It was the first time I've ever done a half mile swim. And then I dried off talked to a few people and headed home... on my bike. 5 miles back home. No store bought present could ever beat the way I felt when I got home. I am totally going to kick that triathlon's butt!

Blue Angels, fireworks, training and my birthday

2006-08-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend just flew by. Fortunately it's not quite over yet. I had a date on Friday night and had a good time. And that's all I'm going to say about that. I don't want to over analyze or jinx anything. Darren and I went over to Colman pool and ran into some other friends of ours. So we swam and grabbed lunch with them. Then I came back and got the house ready for a bbq. A couple of friends came over and we bbq'ed it up and headed down to the lake to watch the fireworks. And today, I biked down to the lake watched some of the Blue Angels and am just hanging out until 5 when everyone is coming over so we can go play mini golf and come back and bbq yet again. You gotta bbq while you can:) And besides, tomorrow is my birthday. Any reason to bbq!
And I forgot to mention that I got an email from the ex. About a week before I got his email, I was on Match.com and he came up as my "Is it fate" match. Kinda funny and ironic. It was definitely a bit of a shock. But I went for a bike ride and worked it all out. Then a week later, I got an email from him. It was good. I feel hopeful that we'll be able to move on.

The Best Run Ever

2006-08-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our run workout... hills. 3 of them... 3 times. I did it in around 28/29 minutes. Me and my running buddy were the first two to finish the workout. Here's the stats from one of our workout leaders GPS heart rate monitor... I kick ass.

Each loop, from Genesee & 51st up 51st, down Alaska, back via Lake WA blvd and Genesee, was .8 miles.
The first hill was a 50 foot elevation gain. Genesee is also a 50 foot elevation gain.
The first hill (Genesee and 51st to 51st and Alaska) was up to a 12% grade. The Genesee hill is between 6-10% grade.

Let's add to the list

2006-07-31T17:36:00.000-07:00

The guy who's at least 10 years older than me and knows we have absolutely nothing in common but still thinks that we'd be a great couple. Really? How about the fact that you just referred to me and people my age as "You kids... when you get to be my age, you'll learn." If you want to date someone who you consider a "kid" you need help. Not another date with me. You have just been named "Creepy Old Guy." Thanks for playing... Next contestant.

Just the Highlights Please

2006-07-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

During the past couple of months I’ve been on a few dates. Which brought to mind some previous dates. So I’ve decided to list some of the highlights of my illustrious dating career.
Let’s start with the guy(s) who stare at my breasts and/or talk to them all night long. They’re not gonna talk back to you, nor are they going to ever let you get near them. Thanks for being so obvious. Next!
Moving on… how about Short Attention Span Man. He’s the guy that spent most of the time nodding, agreeing, not listening and checking out everyone that walked by. Then proceeded to ask me a question that I had just answered. And of course, he wanted to go out again. Um, thanks, but no.
This is my personal favorite – he was already drunk when I got there. Proceeded to tell me that one woman at his office hates him. She apparently snapped at him for something. And when I asked if maybe she was having a bad day, he replied, “She just hates men.” To which I should have replied, “Probably not all men, just you.” But I kept my mouth shut for some strange reason. Then he opened up a bit more and told me how much he enjoys Riverdance, celtic music and the dealbreaker(for anyone, not just this guy. He was done well before this little nugget came out) – his Utilikilt. I will never understand the allure of a Utilikilt. You just look like an idiot. There are no shoes that a guy can wear that go with a Utilikilt. You just look like you got dressed in the dark and accidentally grabbed your wife’s ugly skirt. Sorry… back to the original rant. Even the waitress knew this date was over when we sat down. And was even helpful enough to try and say,”So would you like the check, then?” But no…he grabbed another beer and then said (and I’m not making this up. This was actual dialog), “So I really feel like we’re clicking here.” To which I responded, “I’ve heard no such click. I need to go. You are just no where near my type or anyone I would chose to hang around with.” The next day I got an email saying, “I know we didn’t really connect. But I’ve got this friend… he’s a lawyer. I think you two would really hit it off.” Are you friggin’ kidding me?
And here’s the short list of some of the highlights…the guy who kept banging his head on the table when I said something that he thought was kinda funny. Or the guy who thought we were meant to be after 2 dates. And the guy who kept referring to himself as my gentleman caller. Ew. Or the guy who I thought was gay, but then tried to kiss me as I was getting out of the car. And by kiss me, I mean he tried to shove his tongue down my throat. The guy who couldn’t pronounce aromatherapy. Or the guy who was such a low-talker that I had to keep saying, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
And it as this point that I would like to send a call out to all my friends. If you want to fix me up with someone, please don’t let it be the guy who you thought sounded just like one my bad date highlights. If you do, I will no longer consider you a friend. But if you know of a nice, sane guy that might be able to tolerate all my crap, feel free to give your matchmaking skills a go.

File this under, "Um... well that happened"

2006-07-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

I recently signed up for Match.com because I'd like to start dating again. And oddly one of the people that Match thought would be my "ideal match" was my ex. So I shut down my computer and went for a bike ride.

It's been awhile, I know...

2006-07-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a bit since I've blogged. So while I've got a bit of downtime, why not fill you up with some juicy details of my life. I tried a triathlon specific wetsuit for one of our open water swims. It was truly awful. And we also did a our first practice mass swim start. Which was even worse. I'm not sure if having the wetsuit threw me off or what, but I went right back to all my bad swim habits. I even did the mom swim for a bit (that's when you swim with your head above water because you don't want to get your hair wet). And we barely swam 100 yards and I was winded. Then when we did our actual swim workout (still in the wetsuit), I could barely swim a quarter of the way out to the buoy. I've been swimming to that damn buoy for a months now and that night I just couldn't do it. I could not get used to the wetsuit. I felt like I was fighting it the whole time. So I took the darn thing off and went up the hill to see a friend race in the crit races up at the top of seward park. On the way down the hill, I stepped wrong and twisted my knee. It was just an awful training day.
Fortunately the weekend turned out to be a bit better. I was given a 90 minute lomi lomi massage as a present for watching Tobi, my upstairs neighbor's dog. It was amazing. I'm gonna have to do that again... real soon.
Our next training day was our first brick workout. It was during our hot spell. It was about 96 degrees out. Which I'm sure is not that hot for some people, but not being around weather that hot for a bit of time, it's unbareable. And then to have to bike 7 miles and jump off your bike and run for 20 minutes. But I did alright. I kept my heart rate constant and within my target rate, and still finished the workout pretty quickly. So I felt better about my training. I also spent some more time in the water yesterday trying to get myself back to the good swimmer.

Swim, bike, run.... yeah, yeah, yeah... I got it

2006-07-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

Thank God the weather is nice, otherwise I would not be able to get my butt out and train. I'm at the point now where I just want the damn race to be here so I can just bust it out. I'm still a bit worried about the swim, but I'll get thru it. I'm starting to make myself anxious about all of this and it's just tiring me out. Or maybe it's my job that's making me tired...

Hey, how you been? It's been awhile

2006-07-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been awhile. I've been doing much of the same thing... working and training. Having said that, looking back, it looks like a lot has happened.
I started my team danskin group training. Whenever I have a bad day, the team training brings me out of the blues. It's been a great motivator. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a competitive person and I find myself subconsciencely competiting with all these ladies or if I just really enjoy training with other people. Not to mention that because I started training with Dillon, my coach/trainer I'm a sometimes a bit ahead of the woman in the group. For example, we had our bike test the other week. Before our group workouts there is usually a small lecture or a guest speaker. For our bike test we had one of the guys from Bicycles West talk to us about bike safety and such. He also took a look at our bikes and if we had some minor things to fix, he fixed them for us. Well it turned out that my front will was a bit tweaked. It could be fixed by tightening the spokes but I would eventually have to replace the whole tire, rim and all. Since this took a bit longer than expected, I could only do the short distance bike test. Not wanting to keep people any later than they wanted to be ('specially standing on a bike path as it's starting to get dark) I took off on my bike test - a 3 mile timed ride. I took off and got rolling. I felt pretty darn good and didn't realize how fast I was going. I finished the ride in 7 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I was working, but I was still able to talk and not be too winded. I even stayed within my target heart rate. So this week when we went on our endurance ride, I was put in the speedy group. I think that might have shocked one woman who apparently bikes all over. She was in group 2. Me and my beat up 1980s Scwhinn beat her hotrod bike.
Today we had our swim endurance workout today and one woman spent the whole time backstroking. I don't know how that is going to be good in a triathlon. You can't see in front of you. She did some sighting, but she pretty much had to pull herself up out of the water and turn her upper half around. Backstroking as a well to slow things down and get your breathing back to normal or just to get yourself out of a panic state, sure. Not for the whole swim portion of the race. It just seems dangerous.
I also did a mini triathlon. It was the first time I put everything together. It felt pretty darn good. I only did a quarter mile swim and a 6 mile bike, but I did the whole 5k run. It felt good. I didn't actually time myself for any of it. I definitely felt that after the swim the rest is all gravy.
I'm also trying to figure out my school stuff. Do I want to go to Shoreline and get the associates degree and then get a job as a dietetic technician and continue with schooling that way? Or do I want to get all my math, bio and chem classes out of the way, take the GRE and go to UW for my masters in nutrition to become a nutritionist? I'm going to try and talk to the head of the Dietetic technology department over at Shoreline and see what she recommends.

I swam like a champ... and then I broke my toe

2006-06-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

I went to Colman Pool over in West Seattle on Saturday. That is an amazing pool. It sits right on the Sound. So you get this awesome view. It's also a 50 yard pool unlike the others that are 25 yards. And it's also a heated salt water pool. It's awesome. I swam a half mile, which felt pretty good. I was a bit tired and of course had to stop and slow down for the other people that shared the lane with me. But I think I did a half mile in under and hour. When I got out of the pool, I started walking over to my towel and I stubbed my toe on one of the small rocks they have embedded into the cement. It hurt like hell and there was some muffled swearing and I figured I just stubbed it and it was gonna hurt for a bit. Well, I got back home and it was throbbing. I put it up and waited a bit. If the body goes thru a bone break your temperature goes up as it's your body's defense mechanism. So I took my temperature and sure enough my temp went up. And by this point I couldn't bend my toe and it was a nice shade of blue and purple. So I went down to Seward Park with an ice pack and read my book and iced my toe. Hey, it was nice out. I wasn't about to stay inside. My neighbor joined me down at the park and we went for a swim... roughly another half mile, if not more. So aside from breaking my toe, this weekend was darn good.

Went for a run today

2006-06-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

We got these kinda cool coolmax shirts for our group tri training. So I decided I would wear it while running tonight. The back says, "www.teamdanskintraining.com" and the front says "triathlete," with a little goofy logo at the end of word. Part way thru my run I look down for some reason or another and I realize, because my boobs are slightly bigger than average, and it looks like it just says "athlete." So I suppose in order for you to be able to read the whole thing, you would have to roll up on my right side.
On the positive side, I was able to run longer than I normally do and I was able to run more and walk less.

Thank God today is over

2006-06-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

All my banking stuff was finally worked out. It looks like the payroll company was to blame. The unfortunate thing is that I had to do all the running around. Which was total bull, but it's done and everything is back to normal. Then to add insult to injury, I was cutting into an avocado for lunch, and sliced right thru to the palm of my hand. It was pretty deep and kinda made me a bit queasy. But since I've cut myself numerous times trying to cut mats for artwork, I'm a pro at butterfly closures. Now it just hurts like hell. Hopefully it won't get infected.
This evening was way better. I started my group training for the triatlhon. Which was a tremendous mood lifter. Everyone was so positive, nice and friendly. It just was a good way to end the day.

The Good, the Bad and the whatever

2006-06-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

I got to see my photos up at the Edmonds Arts Festival. Which as pretty darn cool. When I got there, neither of them had sold. So I thought, well it's pretty cool that I got in and if I decide to enter another show, I'll at least have 2 photos ready to go. Then as I was on my way home I got a call from a volunteer with the festival. Apparently one of my photos sold shortly after I left. So I went back later to go and pick up the remaining photo, I ran into the guy who bought the one photo. He said he thought it was a cool photo, but when his son pointed out it was taken at the Getty in LA, that's when he really thought he wanted to buy it. Apparently he had been dating someone for about 6 years and she worked at the Getty. While the relationship never worked out, he's now got a small piece to remind him of that time in his life. Which, if you ask me, is a pretty darn cool story.
As for the bad, well, I just found out that my direct deposit paycheck, didn't get directly deposited into my account. So for the past 4 days I have been without my paycheck and bouncing checks and accumulating overdraft charges like it's going out of style. I'm so glad that I signed up for automatic bill pay for most of my bills. Thanks... Hopefully tomorrow this will all be sorted out. If not, I'll have to kill someone.
And the whatever part, I did yet another lake swim sans wetsuit. I'm actually getting used to the water and the temperature. The best part about the swim this time was that there were several other tri folks there. All in wetsuits. And here I come, no wetsuit. Everyone was either impressed or thought I was the biggest tool in the world. I'm going with impressed.
Tomorrow I start my group training. I can't wait to see what we'll be doing for the next couple of weeks. It should be a good time. Or at the very least, a workout.

Back on the bike and back to school

2006-06-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

I got back on my bike after my day off of training. I went about 10 miles. It took every ounce of my strength to do it. I guess because the past couple of days have been long work days. Whatever. Work is work. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's not. I filled out my application for school. Yup. It's decided. I'll be heading back to school - part time - to work towards another bachelors and possible a masters in nutrition. The big goal, to become a nutritionist, specializing in sports nutrition.
I'm such a dork. This weekend, I went to see my friend Andrew race (he's a cyclist). And when I was hanging out with him and his friends, we were hanging out with his team. And all I could think of was, "I'm hanging with the cool kids... the athletes." I'm a total dork. But it also made me realize that I really love being around sports and athletes. I may not be the best athlete in the world, but I really do enjoy all that goes with it. Just thinking out loud here, but how friggin' great would it be to somehow get involved with the World's Strongest Man Competition. That would kill two birds with one stone - work with athletes and embarass the hell out of mom. What more could you ask for in a job? I love you mom! I really do!
And one final note, I was checking out my friend, Kristian's blog and of course that led me to some of my other friend's myspace pages and their websites. And I got a bit teary-eyed. I miss those guys. And I miss Jersey House... (you know who you are.) I love you guys. I will always remember Joe DJ'ing in his room, Bug with a cup of coffee and the morning paper, Mark in the love bottle, Dinardo talking about Kiss, Brian in Kiss makeup, me and Paulie cracking up and just about everything Brian did, and Kristian instigating and sitting back watching the fun. And how could I forget our friend Frank and watching Mark try and describe what I looked like from about 50 feet away. Let's just say it was similar to the "she's got huge tracks of land" gesture from the Holy Grail. And then there's Ken... Ken, I don't think I ever told you this, but the Valentine's day that we went to see WWF wrestling, still stands as the best Valentine's day I've ever had. I wish I were kidding, but it's true. We're also the only two sober people at the end of the night and we were able to recall all the damaging things the rest of you did.
I work with a bunch of 17 year old kids, who really can't seem to imagine half the stuff I tell them we did. ( And then in the same breathe they say stupid shit like, "House of Pain? Don't you mean Whitey Ford?" Seriously. I can't work like that.)
So I guess, that begs the question, when and where is the big residents and friend and family of Jersey House reunion?

The first race of the season!

2006-06-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Today I did my first race of the season. It was the Furry 5k to benefit the animal shelter (where I got my two nutty cats). The cool thing with this race is that you can run with your dog. As I have no dog, I ran solo. Dodging dogs and doggie doo the whole time. My only goal for this race was to finish in under and hour. Which is totally do-able. Considering I can walk 4 miles in about an hour. Another sorta goal was to run the whole thing. Unfortunately I didn't meet that goal. But I did my best and I ended up running at least 3/4s of the race. So I was pleased with that. My time ended up being 35 minutes 10 sec. So I feel a bit better about running and where I am with that. Now I just need to work on my swim times.

Dear God that's friggin cold!

2006-06-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

So today I thought it would be a great idea to bike the long way to Seward Park and then go swimming. Here's the beauty of the internet... You can check the temperature of Lake Washington... online! Since it's been in the mid 70s for the past couple of days, I foolishly thought it would be refreshing to swim in the 63 degree water. Refreshing doesn't even begin to cover it. It was down right cold. I pretty much went into shock when I finally decided to just go for it and start swimming. I had to basically float on my back for a bit until I could get my breathing back to normal. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I did the swim without a wetsuit. Fortunately my upstairs neighbor came with me. She pretty much jumped right in and went for it. Thank God. Because if it were anyone else, I would have shot out of that water like I was a cat who was just put in the tub for a bath. But I got over it and started swimming. I made it to the buoy and back. I wish I knew how far it was. I've heard it's a 1/4 mile out and back and I've also heard it's 1/2 mile out and back. The swim back from the buoy was awful because everything I looked up, I was moving further and further to the left of where we were heading. I now know what it's like to be a salmon just trying to get home to die. I got home and ran into the house turned the hot water in the bath to super hot and sat in the tube until the water got cold. Which wasn't that long since I was already at sub zero temperature. But I definitely feel great for doing the swim. I kick butt!

I can honestly say

2006-06-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

That was the worst episode of the Sopranos ever. I can't even begin to describe how disappointing that last episode was. Absolutely nothing happened. It was awful. I feel like the writers, directors. actors, producers and everyone else who worked on the episode, owe me an hour of my life back. That's how bad it was.
I helped out my old roommate this weekend. We spent a good portion of Saturday weeding her lawn. Her landlord put in this beautiful English Garden and they're a bitch. And I believe I'm the only person who can pull both my hamstrings gardening. I wish I could say it was extreme gardening, like moving massive boulders from one side of the yard to other. But no... I was basically, just pulling weeds. And apparently pulling hamstrings.
I got my new bathing suit this weekend. It's got a skull and crossbones on the front and on the back (across my butt) it says "Argh!" I finally got back to the pool this evening and wore the new bathing suit. and forgetting that there was something written across my arse, I was starting to get a bit self-conscience and wonder why people were staring at my rear. And then it hit me... yeah, I've got something written across my butt. Other than getting used to the strange looks, I really like the bathing suit.

Strength training day

2006-06-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

Super tired, but it was a good workout. I'm actually thinking about joining a gym.... dear god what has this world come to?

Darn good weekend

2006-05-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what made it a darn good weekend, but it was. I just got finished with my bike ride - 40 minutes roughly 8 miles at a heart rate between 130 -160. Not bad. At least, not bad for me. I actually made the best discovery since I started training... my butt and my thighs no longer look like they are made of cottage cheese. Ok, sure, there's a still a few dimples still that need go, but for the most part, no more cottage cheese! I can wear shorts again!
I've also cleaned out my fridge. Man it was ugly. Now that it's completely empty, I'm hoping that I can start filling it with healthier things. The stuff that was in there - not so healthy. But boy did it taste really good.
I finally took down my jewelry website and put up all my photography. Finally! I've been putting it off and I just sat down and did it.

This weekend..where'd it go?

2006-05-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

I ended up not hitting the pool this weekend. I tried my hardest, but i just couldn't get myself to do much of anything. I did go grocery shopping, but that was about it. I didn't go to the U-district street fair. I don't know why really. I guess I just needed some time to recharge. I did make it to the Rat City Roller Girls! I loved it! I'm a fan! If you don't know what the Rat City Roller Girls are... well check out their site. I tried to take some photos, but I'm not sure how they'll come out. It was pretty dark and the flash didn't work. Not to mention we were in the beer garden. What? You can't go to roller derby and not have a PBR... that's unamerican.
Sunday I tried to go for a run and just couldn't get find my pace. It was awful. I tried to "run thru it" and it just wasn't working. I ended up basically walking for about an hour. I figured it was better than just giving up and going home.
I made it to swimming yesterday and kicked butt! I'm finally swimming a proper freestyle swim and by proper I mean, my head is in the water and I'm actually not trying to hold my breath for the entire length of the pool. And I have to say it felt really good. I probably could have done a longer continuous swim but I think I just saw the wall and felt that I better stop and rest. I think once I get out in the lake I'll be fine. Now I can't wait to get in the Lake. It's a shame it's like 58 degrees or something horrible.
And some more great news for me... Brian Regan is coming to town in December. He is probably in my top 5 favorite comedians. I'm just waiting until payday to get my tickets!

New bike shoes... so pretty

2006-05-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

So I got my brand spankin' new bike shoes. They almost look too cool for my bike. they typically sell for around $200 but thanks to ebay I got them for $50 and they fit like a glove! They're Sidis . I can't wait to get my pedals and give them a try.
I'm also getting really into nutrition. I've changed some of my bad habits. Not all... but I'm working on it. I'm also thinking about going back to school to become a nutritionist. I'm just in the research stages. I actually came across a woman who is a nutritionist down on Madison that I'll be talking to hopefully next Saturday. The funny thing is, she went to the same college that I went to back in NY! I'm hoping to get some insite into what it is she does on a daily basis. The stuff that no one tells you about.
Today I'm heading to the pool. I'm definitely starting to see a change in the way I swim. I just need to remember to slow it down. I won't sink. I'm also heading over the U-district street fair. I've never really been. I did try and sell my stuff their once. So this will be a good time for me to actually see what is being sold there. After that, it looks like I'll be heading over to Ivey to see what it'll cost to have my pictures turned into glicee prints. I'm hoping it won't cost too much. And then... the best thing of all, my friend and I are heading over to Magnusen park to watch the Rat City Roller Girls - roller derby! I can't wait to see all that. I'm bringing my camera. Hopefully I'll get some good shots.

Running like the wind

2006-05-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today was the first time that I decided to run at lunch time. And it was great! I ended up running from our warehouse to Fred Meyer (as it was lunch time and I did need a little something to eat). I should have timed myself, but I didn't. I ended up running their, getting something to eat, eating and then walking back in about 50 minutes. So I must have kept a good pace. I'm going to give it another go on Friday and see if I can run there and back. And this time I'll time myself. I'm also thinking that if I really like actually doing a triathlon I might try and spend all winter training for an olympic distance tri. We'll see... But right now I'm loving training for this.

I also found a shirt that I want... so if anyone out there wants to get me a present... It's the one that says "Sports bras don't do me justice..."

sore and achy but in a good way

2006-05-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

So I met with my trainer Dillon today. It hurts. It all hurts. But it's a good kind of hurt. Next time I'll try and remember to reserve enough energy to be able to press the clutch pedal down for the ride home and to not work the arms as much since I don't have power steering. Other than that, I've up'ed my training from 4 to 5 times a week. And I just bought a pair of kick ass cycling shoes. Now I just need to get pedals for the shoes. Gotta love ebay!

I also did the interview with Jeremy over at Triathlon Radio. He's a super cool and an awesome guy. So listen to his podcast :)

So now, I'm going to passout on the couch.

I'm in!

2006-05-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

This morning I spent at the Triathlon 101 seminar. Which was really good. I may take a couple more clinics with Mary Meyer. She does an open water swim clinic as well as a triathlon clinic. Both of which look like they'd be extremely helpful for me. And they're reasonably priced. So you can't go wrong.
I also tried out a couple of pairs of bike shoes. Which is difficult to do when you have small feet. Almost no one cares my size. But I found a store and they were incredibly helpful. The only problem is - they're expensive. So I'm gonna see if I can find some stuff on ebay. I just can't justify spending $125 plus on shoes. And I'll still need to get new pedals too.
But on a good note, I checked the mail today to find out that 2 of my photos were accepted into the Edmonds Arts Festival in June! I can't wait! I just need to have them printed out and framed. It would be awesome if they sold too, but I'm just glad they made it into the show. You can check out the 2 photos they chose here. They're photos 6 and 10.
And that's it for today. It's beautiful out so I don't want to spend any more time than necessary inside.

Thanks Apple... I hope you rot

2006-05-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I tried to bring my cracked screen ipod to the Apple store. And even though it's under warranty they can't fix it. And they basically told me that even if I sent it to Apple they won't fix it without charging me an arm and a leg because it was an "accident." And accidents aren't covered under the warranty. Then they said, next time I would buy the extended warranty. And when I asked if it would be covered if I had the extended warranty, the said no. So what's the flippin' point! So, Steve Jobs, if you're reading this... you stink! I've been using Apple products since 1990 at least. I've stood by Apple even thru thick and thin. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of money I've spent on your products. I've probably single handedly paid for your flipping mansion! The least you could do is replace my broken ipod, still under warranty, for free. For the love of god! I need to get some new pedals and shoes for my bike. That's gonna cost at least what my ipod cost!

OK, I'm done... On with the training update. So far so good. I rode on Tuesday. I kept within my target heart rate for the ride. I just need to remember that, if someone passes me, I don't need to try and pass them. Yesterday was my rest day and so is today. I've got running tomorrow, cycling on Saturday and then my swimming lesson on Sunday. And also on Saturday, the woman who I take swim lessons from Mary Meyer (actually Ed is my instructor), is giving a seminar on triathlons and what to expect. I'm super pysched about it. Unfortunately it's at REI. And there's many things there that I need... aero bars, an extra swimsuit, pedals, shoes, running sneakers, a bike rack and the list goes on...

I can never own an expensive piece of electronics

2006-05-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

So I pull into my office, get out of my car and promptly drop my ipod nano on the gravel, thus mucking up the screen. It still works but I can't see the screen at all. It's still under waranty and I'm hoping they will just fix it. But because it was dropped, they might not. I've only had the thing since December. And before that I had a 40gig ipod that the hard drive was bad on. But because the warranty ran out right before the hard drive crapped out, they wouldn't honor the warranty. Even though, it appears Apple new about the bad hard drives. I wish I had a pc because I would not get another ipod.
Other than that, the training is going well. I finished the clean up in my studio and gave the keys to Bill and Linda. And then decided that I should go swimming. Which really helped. It was kinda sad giving the keys to them. And saying goodbye to my studio. I spent a lot of time there when I first had it. But things have changed and it's time to move forward.
Now if I could just get another ipod so that I can ride with some background noise tonight.

Oh! I totally forgot!

2006-05-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be on a podcast! Jeremy over at Triathlon Radio will be interviewing me for his podcast. He's got a great podcast about triathlons and I listen to them when I'm riding or running. So I emailed him to tell him thanks for the great podcasts. He's been looking for people to interview, so I volunteered. I'll let you all know when it airs. But definitely check out his podcast.

Also, before I forget - if anyone has songs that get them amped for running or cycling, please send me a your list. I need to update the training playlist.

New clutch, training and then some

2006-05-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

******To the ex boyfriend*********
I know I said I wouldn't talk about my ex, but, well, I know that he's checking my blog. This is a message for him - So, thanks for checking on me, but if you really want to know how I'm doing - call. I've thought about calling, but then I think, if you couldn't respond to my email, what makes me think you're going to pick up the phone. I'm not mad anymore. I just want to move on with my life. And I can't really do that with you hiding in the shadows. I need to get closure on this. And I'm assuming you do to, if you checking the blog.

And on with the blog...
So I've got a new clutch. Roughly $1000 later...It's fixed along with something that has to do with the axel (It was all explained to me, but for the life of me, I don't remember what he said... all I heard was "banana, banana, banana."). All is now well with my car. I've spent the last couple of days trying to clean out my studio. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I will miss my art studio, but i know it's a good thing to be giving up the studio. I'll be starting a new chapter in my "art life." I'm not really sure what that will be, but I'm hopefully and excited to see what it will be.
I got back into training again. I ended up doing a ton of walking while I was sans car, this last weekend. I got back on the bike, did a couple of rides to realize that the bike seat that I bought is killing me. Pardon my french, but my ass is killing me! Actually my ass bone - so I had to buy a new seat. Hopefully this one with not make my butt hurt. I went to REI to register for the Triathlon 101 seminar. And of course they were having a sale. So I was able to get my bike seat and some bike shorts all on sale. Aside for the pain in the rear, I'm really enjoying biking. It's really helped me clear my head at the end of the day. If I don't do another triathlon, I will definitely try to continue to ride.
With all the training, I'm finding that I'm really trying very hard to eat better. I still mess up from time to time. And the other day I was starting to get hungry and I don't know why but my car smelled like the best cinnamon roll ever. I'm sure it was all in my head, but man, I could have killed for a cinnamon roll.
I've also been on a couple of dates. I've met a couple of really nice guys. So we'll see what happens. I don't really know what I'm looking for. I think right now I'm just looking for someone to hang out with for the summer. Sounds kinda corny, but the summer time is always the time you want to hang out with someone and have a good time... Go for a walk around the lake, play mini golf, go to the Fremont Outdoor Movies. You know, date stuff.
And I've asked a photographer friend of mine to take some pictures of me right before the triathlon. I know I said I would try and post "before and after" photos, but I've been a bit busy lately, as you can read. I've also had my holga glued to my hands. So it's kinda hard to flip the camera - ' Specially a holga. I'm thinking I might buy another URL and post all my photos up there. Who knows. There's so much going on and not enough me to do everything.

Ok that's it for now. I'm off to eat something healthy and plan tomorrow.

And the beat goes on

2006-04-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

So, Monday or so I noticed my car was making a noise. It was kinda like an exhaling noise everytime I pushed the clutch pedal down. Well it started to get worse. By today not only was it making a screaching noise like a timing belt, but it was also starting to smell. According to the mechanic that's a metal on metal smell. So it looks like I have to replace the clutch. Unfortunately we don't really know what the metal on metal smell is yet, as he has to remove the entire transmission to replace the clutch and since there were no visible metal shavings, he seems to think that it's another piece that works with the clutch. Fortunately for me, if that is the case, when you replace a clutch you buy a kit that comes with a bunch of other parts. So you don't just replace the clutch pad, if that's what it is. You replace mutliply components. So hopefully the metal on metal smell will be fixed with the clutch. the bad news - he can't do it until monday and it'll cost anywhere from $600 - $1000 if it's just the clutch. If it's something else... just shoot the car. Or leave it parked in my neighborhood without the club on it. Just let me get my Johnny Cash CD out of the car first.

On the bright side of things I did my first training workout. 30 minutes of running at 70%-80% heart rate. Which works out to a pretty good walk uphill. Looks like tomorrow is my day off. And on Saturday I've got a 45 - 60 minute bike ride at an easy pace keeping my heart rate at a certain level. I guess this means I should probably breakdown and buy a good heart rate monitor.

Sure it was an arse kickin' but it was a good arse kickin

2006-04-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

I met with my trainer for the first time. The first time of actual physical fitness meeting. Everything felt good while I was there, but there's a few muscles that are now shouting at me. I didn't even really know these muscles existed. Oddly, while I feel sore, I really enjoy feeling sore. I'm super excited about getting going. I can't wait to see what my training schedule is going to be like! I committed to training 4 days a week. What was I thinking? I should do a couple of before and after photos. Ya know... I think I'm gonna do that. I'll do a couple of before photos and post them and post a new photo every month or so. We can plot my progress.

Moving on.

2006-04-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

So i'm done talking about, thinking about and contemplating the whys and the hows of my breakup and the ex boyfriend. from now on, I will not be posting anything about him. Unless of course something huge happens and I have to get it out of my system. But I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. He doesn't like confrontation and calling me or trying to talk to me, will, in his eyes be some form of confrontation.
So on to better news... I got a trainer for the triathlon. The training begins on Monday! I went for a bike ride today and feel pretty darn good. And I talked to my aunt and hopefully she'll be coming up for the triathlon. It looks like this triathlon is turning out to be a small family reunion :)

New pants, new outlook on life

2006-04-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

What can I say, new pants can do wonders for your outlook on life. I also realized tonight, that I like going out. And I'm going to do it more often.

As far as the ex, well, here's the thing - I'm angry. And I have every right to be. I'm mad at the way he, or should I say, I ended it. (As I had to be the one to break up with myself.) For someone who cared about me and had feelings for me, to not even have the decency to do it himself. Yeah, breaking up is awful. It hurts no matter how you do it. But to not even look me in the eye or even say it, that just disrespectful. And it hurts a thousand times more. Then when you email me a month or so later, to see how I'm doing and I email you back, saying, be honest with me and yourself, why are you really emailing? And you don't respond. Again, I feel disrespected. If you had responded and been honest with me, I would have been able to forgive you. But don't email me and expect me to absolve you of any wrong doing. I can't do that. I know you feel bad, possibly even guilty for the way you broke up with me, but that doesn't mean that sending and email saying basically nothing, will patch things up. You hold all the cards. You're the one who broke it off (and quite honestly, I'm not even really sure what your reasons were) and you can move on. I'm left wondering what happened. So until you can pick up a phone and deal with whatever confrontation may happen, I can not absolve you of your guilt. That is if you really do want to be friends. I'll eventually forgive you, but I will never look at you the same way. Maybe by the time the Reverend Horton Heat or the triathlon rolls around I'll be able to and want to, talk to you.

And now that I've said that, I'm done. I'm moving on. I need to do what is best for me.

First let me say thank you

2006-04-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, first let me say thank you to all my friends who have been there for me. So please don't take this the wrong way. I appreciate all the advice and love that you all have been sending me. But this is not something that I can just say, "OK, I'm done. It's time to move on." That's not how this works. The things I write on my blog are the things I'm feeling at the time. This does not mean that I act on these feelings. But after going thru what I've been thru I'm realizing that I need to do things for me. This is my battle to face and while I appreciate the advice, the love and support, I have to do things my way. The choices I make may not be the same as the choices you make. We are all different people and we do things different. There's also a lot of information that you may not be aware of that leads me to the decisions that I've made. What I ask of my friends is to be there with love and support. To listen when I need to be heard. Again, and I can't say this enough, I love you all for being there and for loving me for who I am. I just need to go on this journey making my own decisions for my own happiness and not, as i have done in the past, doing what I think would be good for others. It's time for me to care for myself.

work, work, triathlon

2006-04-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

what can I say... it's either work or the triathlon. That's really all I want to think about. Still no response from the ex. I want him to understand that if he wants to be friends that I need honesty. I don't want to make it a big deal. But it's easy for him to move on, as he was the one to walk away first. But I still don't have closure. It's easy to write an email to say hi. But for me, because of the way things ended and that he not into the relationship for the last month or so of it, it's hard for me to believe that he just wanted to say hi. I just want him to understand that. I want him to understand, you can't just hurt someone that badly and expect in 2 months that you can just send and email to say hi and not expect some sort of questions. At the beginning of our relationship I kept saying to myself, " take things one step at a time. Don't move so fast." He was the one to say things like, "You're the first person in 7 years I thought about living with." And even wanting to and starting to think about heading back east to meet my parents and hang out where I grew up. And when I finally felt like, "yeah this is something that's going somewhere and it's ok to take this to the next level," that's when he was on his way out the door. But he was still saying the same things. This isn't like dating in high school. You don't just move on quickly. We're adults now. Things hurt. And confrontation happens. Not all confrontation is bad. A lot of good can come from confrontation. I can't think about this anymore. I'm pooped. Too much time in a pool, on a bike or at work... it's too easy to let your mind wander.

Training, training and more training.

2006-04-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

So I've been up to my eyeballs in triathlon training. If I'm not walking around the neighborhood, I'm swimming. Which is good. I can definitely feel the difference. Today I'm planning on doing a little container planting. We'll see if i have a green thumb or not!

Why is this so hard?

2006-03-29T21:39:00.000-08:00

I spent last weekend getting ready for my friend to come into town. Actually, it wasn't the whole weekend. But I did spend Saturday doing a lot of nothing. I went to West Seattle to Campl Long to walk. I needed a change of pace from my neighborhood. And I think it might have been a bad idea. I spent the whole time thinking about my ex. Not bad things, but thinking about our relationship and the good stuff and trying to work out in my head where it was that it changed for him. It's not that I'm mad anymore. I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I just don't understand what happened. And to get an email from him, out of the blue, just when I was getting to a point where I wasn't thinking about him. I know he didn't mean any harm. Or at least I hope he didn't. As far as the break up goes, I feel like I'm right back where I started... back trying to figure things out that I can't ever really know the answers to because he's got the answers. I'm frustrated and upset that he hasn't emailed back. And I think I'm even more upset that he emailed. So much can get misunderstood in emails. There's no sense of tone in an email. So now I'm left to try and decipher his email. If he was hurt by my response, that was not my intention. Again, emails can me be misunderstood. I just need answers in order for me to be able to really fully move on. So, I guess, if you're reading this... pick up the phone and call. I just want to be able to get past this so we can be friends. I truly believe that there are reasons that you are attracted to the people you choose to date. Even after that physical part dies there's still all the other qualities that are there. And if they do not lead to the "big love" they can lead to really great friendships.

It's hard to admit you're wrong

2006-03-25T14:04:00.000-08:00

Well, i guess the lack of response from the ex means that I was wrong about him. I think that's the hardest thing to take. It's hard to admit you're wrong about someone you cared about and someone you thought cared about you. What can you do? Admit that you were wrong and move on...

that's to be expected

2006-03-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

So no response from the ex. That's to be expected. If I hear from him again, we'll go from there. I think he's had it. I think he's tired of explaining himself. But he's got to understand that he lied to me. He lied to me for over a month about how he was feeling. Not only that but the way in which he broke up with me was hurtful. Even if he didn't intend for it to be that way, it was. You can't just walk back into someone's life after that and expect everything to be ok or for everything to be forgotten. Oh well, no sense worrying about it. I finally got my bike home and then I got the stomach flu and can't get out on the bike. If it's not one thing it's another...

Man it's be awhile

2006-03-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy with work and with the triathlon that I forgot about the blog. I guess that's a good thing. I've been hitting the pool at least 3 times a week which has definitely helped my overall attitude. I still have moments when I get sad, upset or angry, but they are few and far between. Also the Soprano's season has started again, so the house if full on Sunday nights. And let's see what else... oh yeah, I ot an email from the ex. He just wanted to say hi or something. That was on Thursday. I wrote back and asked him what it was he was wants from me. I'm not mad or angry that he emailed. I'm happy that he did. But he needs to be honest with me about why he emailed. As well as needing to be honest with himself. I can only figure out about 5 reasons - guilt, regret, loneliness, horny or he sincerely wants to be friends. If and when he ever writes back, I'll let you know what he says. I honestly don't know what to think of this new development, but I'm not going to read anything more into it.

things are looking up!

2006-03-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

Aside from the random bull that usually happens around a full moon, I definitely feel like things are starting to look up for me. I've been going to the pool at least 3 times a week, I'd like to get up to 5 times a week, so we'll see how that goes. I also posted a thing on craigslist for a cheap road bike for a short gal. And a super nice woman responded and gave me her old bike. It's not an older bike but she said that she used it in the past 2 triathlons and it's served her well and she wanted to give her bike to someone who would use it and appreciate it. I'm working on the outside and it's also helping clean up the inside.... if that makes any sense.

Hurray! the weekend is here.

2006-03-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing too new to report. I've been swimming and working on my website. I'm just trying to figure out where I fit and what it is I want out of life. I guess that's a lot to ask for a weekend.

OK.. back on track

2006-03-08T16:45:00.001-08:00

Well, hopefully everything's happened. I honestly think that my new slogan or mantra should be "Well that happened." Because there's really nothing else I can say. I'm trying to do everything right and yet, the curse of the "bad luck girl" strikes again. I guess I'll have to figure something out. This can't be what I'm in for for the rest of my life.
I'm just getting ready to go to the pool to get back into training for the triathlon. I'm glad I signed up for it. I think it's going to be great. Just to give me something positive to focus on and to help me get back in better shape. Part of feeling the way I do is because I'm not happy with the way I look. I feel like a bump on a log and I want to change that.
I'm also hoping to enter a couple of my photos into a couple of photo competitions. Here's hoping for something positive!

OK.. back on track

2006-03-08T16:45:00.000-08:00

Seattle - I get it. It's time to move

2006-03-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

So this weekend was pretty uneventful. I missed my knitting class. I thought it was on Sunday and in fact it was on Saturday. Fortunately for me, they're super nice and they just gave me a credit so that I can sign up for the next class. I did all my running around yesterday and got home, rested a bit and then ran my rent check over to the landlords. I got up this morning and found my driver's side window completely knocked out. Thank God for safety glass. otherwise my driver's seat would have been covered in broken glass. I look in and nothing was stolen. It looks like they tried to take the radio but for some reason couldn't. Nothing was really damaged - nothing but the window and the trim around the radio console. Everything still works. So I call the police... again. This is the 3 time in 6 months that I've had to call the police about my car. The first time it was stolen. The second time they stole my license plates. And now this. I call and the woman was less than pleasant. I was doing my best to be nice under the circumstances. She asked me if the car would start. Well I'm not sure. I don't want to move anything if you all are coming out. To which she replied "Well we won't clean up the glass." Ok thank you for the attitude. So I replied with, "Well perhaps you should work on fixing the crime in my neighborhood. This is the 3 time I have called about something in 6 months." She shut up a bit.
So now I get to pay $200 to have my window replaced. As well as flyer the neighborhood and start a neighborhood watch program. Because I just don't have enough to do.

I also am getting the feeling that Seattle does not want me here. Never have I ever felt like the city was out to get me.

Bad Luck Girl, strikes again

2006-03-01T17:49:00.000-08:00

So after getting my car fixed... $350 later, I leave the repair shop. I make a stop at Trader Joe's on the way home (about 8 blocks away from the repair shop). I walk out to my car and the back tire is completely and totally flat. I call a couple of friends, and one suggests that I call the repair shop. Good point. I should do that. So I do. They come down, put air in the tire and don't notice any sort of leak. And quite honestly it's hard to deal in a partking lot. So I drive to the Firestone place by my house. They take the tire off and patch it. Apparently there was a piece of metal stuck in the tire. $20 and about 45 minutes later, I head home. I get up in the morning, get in my car and start driving... I get about 3 blocks from the house and think, "My car is not supposed to make that kind of noise." I pull over as soon as I can and realize the same tire, the tire that was flat and then fixed, was flat again. I call my friend and he's now on his way to help me put the do-nut on. I unlock trunk, pull the do-nut out and realize I have half a jack and no tire iron. So my friend show's up, we try his tire iron but it's too big. So we go back to my place, call Firestone and they come out to change the tire and follow me back to their shop. Another 30/45 minutes later, it's apparently a leaky valve. No charge... Gee thanks. It was your expert that somehow missed that pesky little leak. I must have been a used car salesman or have run a sweatshop filled with children workers in a former life. I have been punk'd by the universe yet again.
As for dealing with the doctors at UW Medical center... I've decided that this is the universes way of saying, I should do this without medication. So we'll just see where this road takes me.

It's been a long weekend

2006-02-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

As I drove up to my house on Thursday, my check engine light went on. Great. Just when I'm trying to get all my shit together, I have to now get my car fixed. Fortunately I was able to find a mechanic and was able to drop the car off this morning. Friday rolls around, I go to work - nothing out of the ordinary there. Leave to go home and the UW finally calls. Let me just say, the healthcare system in this country is awful. The woman that I talked to was somewhat pleasant, but it was obvious that I was her last call and she just wanted to get home. She called while I was driving home. She informed me that I was not in their system and that my therapist had not faxed over a referral. Bullshit. I know she did. Now, it could be that the fax never made it thru. That's entirely possible. It's also possible that someone at their offices misplaced it. So I asked why was I not informed that the fax never came thru. She told me that when we call our names and phone numbers are written on scrap paper and once we are called back, that paper is thrown out. I find that to be completely and totally unacceptable. This is an issue of health. It's not like they are calling me back because I didn't receive part of my Amazon.com order. When I asked her why there wasn't a better system in place for calling people back, she didn't say anything and she changed the subject. Since I've called 3 times, she's going to put me in their system (even though she did not believe me when I said I've called three times and one time was to talk to the patient relations person). So she starts to ask me all these insurance questions. All this information is at my house. And I tell her that. Then she asks if I'm driving. Why yes, yes I am. I'm heading home from work. Then she informs me that she can not help me until I stop driving. I'm on a friggin highway. Where do you suggest I stop? It's also rush hour. I completely understand not being able to take any information from me while I am driving as it's dangerous. But we continue to talk about why there is this massive hole in their call back system and what I need to do to get in to see a doctor for the next 30 minutes! And that's safe? By the time we come to the end of the conversation, it comes out that basically what they do is, I'll meet with a doctor, then the doctor will write a recommendation for medication, if they feel it's necessary and after that I have to take it to my general practitioner. Well that's great. But it takes about 3 weeks for me to get in to see her. And from what I understand, she can prescribe the medication for me and I don't have to go thru all of this. And when I tell this woman that, she says that my general practitioner can not prescribe medication for my depression. Well you might want to tell my insurance company and the several other doctors and therapists I've talked to. So... UW you are by far the worst organization I have ever dealt with. At this point I plan to deal with my depression without medication. It will be far less painful than dealing with you.

Today was a long, long day

2006-02-23T17:13:00.001-08:00

I went to Summit Research this morning to see if I fit the criteria for any of their depression studies. Unfortunately, I don't. They told me that I was "grieving" the loss of a relationship and not depressed. This is no longer about the end of my relationship. This is much bigger. And for someone to sit and talk to me for a few minutes to tell me that, is awful. Yes, I do believe that I am grieving, but I don't think it's about my relationship anymore.

After that, I went home and called UW Medical Center. As of today it has been 2 weeks since I first called them to try and get in to see a psychiatrist. I was able to talk to a person, and that person had to put me thru to another voicemail. Which told me to leave a very clear and concise message and they will call be back in about 48 hours. I left my message and then called the UW Medical Center's Patient Relations office. I explained that I have been seeing a therapist who thinks that I should be on medication for depression and that I needed to see a psychiatrist and they would be able to determine which medicine would be good for me. I also explained to her that it has now been 2 weeks since starting this process with their organization. I also told her that I understand that while I am not the at a crisis level, I am hurting and I am doing what I need to do to get better. And it appears, from this patient's view, that they are making it incredibly difficult to become healthy again. She apologized for what I was going thru with them, and told me she would call the manager and get right back to me. That was at 11 this morning. It is now 5:30 pm. Apparently getting right back to someone means 2 or more weeks. Fortunately I was referred to another psychiatrist by a friend and will hopefully be able to get in to see him soon.

Then I went back to work for a couple of hours. At around 2 it was off to see my therapist. I'm so glad that I have the therapist that I have. She is truly a wonderful person. And now I'm going to compose a letter to the head of the UW Medical Center. As well as my insurance company and the Seattle PI.

I just don't get it

2006-02-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

I still have not heard from UW physicans about setting up an appointment. As of Thursday or Friday it will exactly 2 weeks since I first called and tried to get in to see a doctor. At this point, I've found another doctor. But in the meantime I plan on writing a letter to my insurance company, as well as UW Medical Center and I also plan on writing to the PI. I do not understand why a top rated hospital would give someone - who is desparately trying to get help, the runaround.
Tomorrow is going to be a long and draining day. I have my first meeting with the psychiatrist. That's in the morning and then in the afternoon, I meet with my regular therapist. Just seeing my regular therapist drains me for a couple of days. I can't imagine what it's going to be like seeing 2 in one day. But if it gets me healthy again, I'm willing to do it.

Warm out today

2006-02-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

I'm super warm out today. I've been trying to research alternative ways to treat depression. It's been exactly one week since I last talked to UW to try and get in to see a therapist. I'm hoping someone calls me back today. God knows when I'll be able to actually get in to see someone. I plan on writing a letter to my insurance company as well as the UW physicans and a few other places that I just can think of at the moment. Their procedures only stand in the way of someone getting help. I wouldn't be suprized if it led to someone getting worse. It's horrible to think that in a nation such as ours that we can not get the help we need without jumping thru a million hoops. At this point, I'm tired of jumping thru the hoops and all I want to do is sleep until all of this blackness passes.

Super tired today

2006-02-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

I guess maybe the internet at home might not be good for my sleep. I was up pretty late doing absolutely nothing... but I was online. Looking up nothing of real importance. God I love the internet!

The Internet is Finally Here!

2006-02-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

Holy crap I finally have internet at the house! It's so nice to have a connection to the outside world via the internet and not TV. I'm hoping this helps the depression leave a bit faster :)
I just want to say to all my friends and family who read this, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for trying to understand what it is I'm going thru. I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't been thru depression to understand what it is that I'm going thru. I don't think I can say it enough, it's not something I can control. I'm not in control of my emotions, my thoughts or my actions (in a way). Right now my main goal is to survive. I have good days and bad days. There are days when I think all is hopeless. And there are days when I feel like my old self. I miss my old self. I miss happiness. I know I will eventually get thru this. But right now, I want everyone to know I will be ok and I love you and thank you for all your support and love.

Incredibly tired today

2006-02-17T08:37:00.000-08:00

I went to therapy yesterday thinking that I was feeling better and doing better. While in some ways I am getting better. I don't feel as hopeless as I did before and I'm wanting to get back to being creative again. But in other ways I'm still fighting with the depression. I'm trying to shield all my friends and family from all of the bad. I don't want them to feel all the pain and sorrow that I feel, so I do my best to cover it. At this point I don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm incredibly tired and for a long time I didn't know why. I'm constantly putting on a good face around friends and family so that they think everything is ok. It will eventually be ok. I'll eventually be back to my old self, but in the meantime, I do what I can to keep them from feeling even a tenth of what I feel. I keep myself busy and keep my mind on other things so that the blackness doesn't come back. I understand that I need to be able to let some of that blackness in so that I can heal. But my big fear is that it will all come rushing in and I won't be able to come out of it. I'm afraid that it will takeover. After therapy last night, I kept wondering how long have I been like this? Have I been depressed for years and not realized it. I've just choked it down and forced it down until now, when I'm no longer stronger than it? I remember being incredibly tired towards the last month or so with my ex. Was I depressed then and didn't know it? Did he have some idea that something was wrong and that it was too big for him to fix or even deal with? I hate feeling like I don't know what's next. What's going to happen to me or how I'll feel from day to day. I find it's hard to plan for a future when you can barely see what's going to happen tomorrow. It's all so tiring...

I wish I could sleep at a normal time

2006-02-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

IEver since all this stuff started happening I haven't been able to sleep real well. Or at least sleep when I should be sleeping. Even when I take a tylenol pm, which usually knocks me out cold, I still can't sleep. Other than that I definitely feel like I'm on the way back to being me again. But in the back of my mind I'm always worried about slipping, and going back to that black place. I feel like it's just in remission right now. All this has taught me that I need to start taking better care of myself emotionally, instead of everyone else. And that I'm a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. I guess it comes from not wanting to fail.

Thank God that's over

2006-02-15T15:40:00.000-08:00

I got into work this morning and it seems like I was not made to deal with mornings. I'm more aggregvated with people when I have to have to deal with them in the mornings. It's awful. I'm not sure if it's related to the not doing anything on Valentine's Day. Who knows. I still feel pretty good. I just get aggregvated and angry at a moments notice. It's just stupid stuff that sets me off. Someone's car radio is too loud, or someone says something stupid, like "what the other dimension of that 9" square?"
On the plus side, I have been working on my portfolio site. Now if I could just get the HTML to behave, it would be even better.

The waiting game

2006-02-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

So I'm in a bit a of a holding pattern. I'm waiting for a call back from the UW therapists. I'm waiting to see if my therapists actually faxed over a referral. I'm waiting to get paid. I'm waiting to get cable internet connection at home.... basically I'm just waiting. I did get a great suprize in the mail yesterday. My good friend Linda sent me a ton of film for my Holga and an awesome book called Design it Yourself. It's such a great book. It actually got me motivated to work on my portfolio site again. I've scrapped my original design and started with something that i think is a bit better.
Oh yeah, and it's Valentine's day. I can't tell you how sick of all the jewelry commercials, the flower and candy commercials. And the general feeling of "If you don't have a special someone for Valentine's day, that's just sad and almost Unamerican." It's not like I chose to be alone on Valentine's day. Before all of this happened we actually had plans for Valentine's day. We were planning on going to San Francisco this weekend to celebrate. Oh well. Shit changes, with no reason or warning. I plan on spending this day, trying to avoid any and all talk of love, relationships and my plans for Valentine's day. I haven't had a boyfriend on Valentine's day since high school, so for me it's just another day. Thanks Hallmark for making us single people feel like losers.

The insurance and health care system here sucks

2006-02-13T09:41:00.000-08:00

I finally got a call back from the therapists at UW. I now need to get the therapist that I'm seeing now to write a referral and fax it in to them. From there it will take 2 days or more for them to put me into their system. After that, they could not give me an estimate as to how long it would be before I see a therapist and possible get put on medication. This is unbelievably frustrating and just adds to my depression. I'm am doing everything in my power to get better. And at every turn I have to wait. That wait could be the difference between me having a good day and me having one of those awful black days where all I want to do is sleep. I spent the weekend worrying that this blackness would come back. And I spent all my energy fighting it off. I go to bed at 9. And can sleep for only a couple hours before my subconscience takes over and wakes me up with awful dreams that I can't purge from my system.
I can't control the sadness, the anger. the rage and all the other range of emotions that I feel on a given day. I do my best to not explode with anger or burst into tears when I'm at work. But the pressure to be and act like everyone else gives me massive headaches and sucks all my energy.
I find it hard to believe that most insurance companies or big medical companies are in their line of work to help people. If that was the case, people wouldn't have to wait or go without the care that they need to get better. I know that there are people who work in these companies that do what they do because they want to help and heal people. But the money people of big business make everyone else look bad. It must be nice to have the money and the power to not have to worry about any of the worries that the rest of the world has to deal with. Thank God I'm not suicidal. If I was I would be dead by now.

Feeling... well I'm not sure how I'm feeling

2006-02-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today started off kinda slow. I couldn't really sleep last night. I had a lot of bizaare dreams. I could feel myself drifting towards what happened last weekend so I tried to stop it as quickly as possible and decided to try and go swimming. I didn't swim for too long. I tend to get tired more easily now. After swimming I decided to go and pick up some film for my camera. Since it's a really nice day out I thought this might help me get out of the funk. I took about 16 photos (basically 1 roll of film for my Holga) and just couldn't get myself into it. So now I'm sitting at the Columbia Ale House waiting to get something to eat.
I find that I tend to get more aggregvated than I used to. Some guy started honking his horn at me because he thought i cut him off. But if the dipshit would have looked he would have realized that he was in the wrong friggin' lane. Normally I would have just sworn at him and moved on. but I found myself fighting to keep from getting out of the car and unleashing a massive verbal assault on him. It took me about a half and hour before I was back to normal.
For anyone that hasn't gone thru a massive depression like this it's hard for you to understand why I can't just function like an intelligent person in certain situations. Let me see if I can try and explain it. On a scientific level, when we go thru a trauma the body's chemicals do what they feel needs to be done to keep us functioning. So all your body chemistry is out of whack. On a personal and emotional level it feels like you have no control. There's a second personality that's controlling the show and it's called depression. At one point at my lowest low last weekend, it felt like I had a massive hairball of blackness and sadness inside me. And I kept thinking that if i could just throw up the hairball everything would be better. For me it feels like I'm watching what's going on with me. Someone else wrote the script and I'm just acting it out. The only difference between me and the movies is that I feel all the pain that goes along with what's written in the script.
The fact that I have to wait at least 2 business days for an actual drug prescribing doctor to call me back is unbelievable to me. And I'll probably have to wait another weeke before I can actually get an appointment. I'm taking every step I can to get better. And while I feel awful and like there's no way out right now. My mind knows that I will come out of this a strong and much happier person. But what if I was one of those people who really did contemplate suicide and I had to wait this long to get the proper help. I would be dead by the time they got back to me. I know it's not the doctors' fault. It's the system. So I'd like to thank the system for helping me. With friend's like you, who needs enemies....

Tired but good

2006-02-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

I met with my therapist last night. It was good meeting. It looks like I'm going to be going on medication to help me thru this time. So I spent most of the morning on the phone with my insurance company asking about how much I'm going to have to pay for my medication and which psychiatrist is covered by my insurance so that I don't have to pay a million dollars to get the help I need. I just wish my therapist could prescribe medication so that I don't have to go all over the place. I just want to get better. I don't feel the need for me to run around town so that it's easier for my insurance company.

Feeling better...

2006-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

I felt pretty good yesterday and this morning. I still have problems with getting out of bed. But then again, who doesn't? While I'm happy about feeling good, I am worried that I might go back to that dark place. I still feel like I do not have control over what is happening in my head.

I was able to go the library last night. And I was there for a bit before I started to have a bit of an anxiety attack. I got back to knitting again and did that for a couple of hours. And I'm looking forward to getting a package from my parents. They are sending me some money for film so I can get out and take some pictures.

A lot of people have said that perhaps a change of scenery would do me good, but I feel like taking a break is a temporary fix. When my mom was here I was doing better, as soon as she left I fell apart. Right now the only constant in my life is work. That's the only thing that keeps my mind off of everything. I feel like, taking that away even if it is to travel, would be bad for me. Besides, traveling costs money. Something I have very little of at the moment.

The past couple of days

2006-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days have been very difficult for me. I'm realizing now that what I'm going thru isn't because of my break up. That was the catalyst. For past couple of days I've tried to get myself to do things. To get out of the house. To go and hang out with friends. But when it gets to the point where I have to actually do something, I can't. I just don't want to. I don't feel like I have control over my own body. It feels like something black has taken over and is growing. I kept thinking that if I can just throw up, perhaps all this blackness will be purged and I can get back to being me again. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm strong and I'll get thru this. And while my head knows this, the rest of my body and that blackness that's controlling me tells me otherwise. I physically feel like someone is pushing my shoulders towards the ground.
When I'm at work, I make a conscience decision to do this or do that after work. I get in my car, start driving and I get to a certain point and I freak out. I need to get home. I have to get home. I can't do this. I want to be home. No matter how much I fight that feeling, I always end up home and not where I planned to be. When I do go out, it's to the supermarket and I feel like everyone knows that I'm not in control. That there's a black cloud over me and everyone can see it. And everyone is looking at me.
The things that I used to love to do, I have no feelings about. I used to love to knit. Now I can barely pick up the knitting needles without getting bored or the needles feel like they weigh a ton. I used to love to take my Holga camera with me everywhere and take photos. Now it just sits on the shelf, staring at me.
I've never experienced this before and it's hard for anyone who hasn't been thru this to know what it's like. I know my family and friends are trying to understand and that means the world to me. The one thing that they don't understand is that I can not control this blackness. At least not right now. It's not like being sad because I didn't get the job or because I gained a couple of pounds. This is not something that I can say, "Well I'll feel bad for a couple of days and then after that, it's over. I'll move on." It's much deeper and stronger than that. And while I appreciate the concern and all the ideas on how to move thru this, the only thing I can say right now is, "I'm trying." This is the best I can do right now. My head knows that I will eventually make it thru this and I'll be a stronger person for it. But right now my head doesn't have control. And when it does I'll be better and stronger,

Last night was a bit tough

2006-02-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

I had a pretty big breakdown last night. The thing is, I'm not sure what's going to make me happy or cheer me up. When I used to think of my future it was all very clear and good. Now when I think of my future I don't see anything.
With "the Frenchman" and the boyfriend after that there were very clear reasons why they broke it off. But with this one there isn't one. I'm really struggling with it. I know there's nothing I can do and I'll probably never know the answer, but for some reason I just can't get past it.
My head knows that i need time to get over this and time to heal and everything will be fine, but right now, my heart doesn't think it's possible.
I'm beginning to think that perhaps I need something more than therapy.

Lonely weekend

2006-02-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a pretty lonely one. We had a nasty wind storm starting late Friday night and moved into most of Saturday. I ended up going into work on Saturday to make up some time from when mom was here. Getting to work was awful. There were trees down and power out - mostly street lights from what I could tell. I'm glad I went into work as I would have just sat home and done nothing. After that I ran som errands, grabbed a couple of movies and went home. I hate spending nights alone. I guess before this last break up I was used to being alone. Now I hate it. I want to go out, but all my friends are coupled up. I don't like being the third wheel and I don't like feeling like they asked me to hang out because they're worried about me or they feel sorry for me. I hate that feeling and I feel that way all the time.
Yesterday was Superbowl Sunday and since the Seahawks were in it for the first time I decided to watch it. The game started at 3 so I spent most of the morning depressed. Depressed because it was the first weekend I was really truly alone. Mom wasn't there, and everyone else was off with their other half. So I decided to go out and take some pictures. I had a half a roll of film left in two cameras so I went out. Which wasn't too bad. I went to Jefferson Park over in West Seattle. And as I was walking I heard a girl talking all about the preparations for her wedding. As I listened, I realized I knew her. I was already in a awful space, so I basically tried to get out of there as fast as I could. I'm happy for her. I really am, but I don't need to hear about someone else's happy life when I just don't understand how mine made a complete 180.
So I went back home to watch the game. Which I spent most of the game upset. Upset because I could picture what I would be doing if I were still with my ex. No matter what I did, I couldn't get past that. I knew we would be at his friends house, watching the game, eating, drinking and having fun.
I spend my time getting psyched up to go out and when it comes down to it, I really don't want to go out and I don't want to do anything. I want my old life back.

I'm tired but feeling better

2006-02-03T07:34:00.000-08:00

I went to the therapists last night. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly about how I've been doing and what I'm doing for myself. We talked about what I thought happened and why my ex broke it off. And I came to 3 different answers - He's projected what he wanted onto me and when he realized that I wasn't it, he left. He got scared - scared of the commitment, scared of his feelings... And something or someone influenced him - whether there's someone else in his life now, or his friends or family told him that they just didn't think I was good for him. I don't know. I'll never know. And that's the part that's so frustrating to me. It's all so draining. I just want my friend back. Unfortunately, that friend and that friendship will never be what it was. And that's probably the hardest thing to deal with.

It's going to take some time

2006-02-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

I understand that. I'm working on getting better. But to all my friends and family that I know are well meaning, please stop the bad mouthing and your opinions of why we broke up. I don't need to hear what an awful person he is. He's not. He went about things wrong, that's true. But he's not a bad person. I can't blame him or hate him for feeling the way he does. I also don't need to hear why you think he did what he did. It's not helping me get over this any faster. If anything it's like reliving it over and over again. He's the only person who can tell me why. And he did. He told me his reasons. Whether they are true or not is only something that he can tell me. I think about this everyday. And while it's not as all consuming and as painful as it once was, it's still there. So if you want to help me, please just be there to listen and just be there. No opinions. No judgements.

Nothing new to report

2006-02-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

It took me over and hour to get home last night. Then when I got home my ex had dropped off the rest of my things. I don't know what I was thinking. Perhaps a letter explaining how sorry he was. Or perhaps that he's changed his mind. I don't know. Again, that's something that happens in a movie. Not in my life. All that was a bit hard to take, so I decided to go swimming. Well when I got to the pool the pool was closed because their HVAC system had shut down or something strange. And by this point it's now pouring down rain. So I get in the car and drive over to Storables to get the rest of the boxes for me to put my dvds and cds in. By the time I got home it was 8. So I organized my cds and dvds and pretty much went to bed. I'm still having problems sleeping. I'm trying not to continue to take Tylenol PM but last night was difficult.
It's weird, I'm in this strange space. I just keep picturing things a couple months from now. When I run into him. Half that time I picture it where he regrets everything and wants to get back together and the other half the time I picture running into him with someone else. Doing all the things we used to do. And it kills me.
I'm trying to keep a routine going in the hopes that will help me get focused. I do the same thing every morning. I get up. I make my bed. I get ready for work. I grab my coffee. And I head to work. When I come home, I grab the mail. I try to eat. I pick up my mess. ˆI watch TV. And I go to bed. And every other day I try to work swimming in there.
I just want some sort of focus back in my life.

Just me and the cats

2006-01-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Mom left to head back home yesterday. Her flight was supposed to leave at noon, but since she was flying United, that didn't happen. She said they sat on the runway for about 45 minutes and then they told them that they had to go back to the gate to fix the plane. Then they waited for another plane to arrive. They sat on that one for another 45 minutes and they then told them that, that plane was broken. And the next flight out was at 10:30pm. She waited for that flight, and got on that one. And the same thing happened. Luckily there was another plane that was leaving around the same time and that plane didn't have any problems. So was able to get home - only 16 hrs late.
My ex is bringing the rest of my things over to my house today. It's hard for me to not call him, not talk to him. And when we do talk it's very short and to the point. We used to be able to talk and laugh and have fun. And now it's awful.
I'm doing better today. But I'm sure when I get home and my stuff is there, with most likely no note, no nothing, I'll probably just break down again. I just wish I had some sign or something that let's me know that he still cares. Even if he doesn't want to be with me. Something that says he still wants to be my friend. Something... but I'll probably never get that.

Took mom to the airport

2006-01-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

I took mom to the airport. I cried uncontrollably for about an hour. I know it's going to be difficult and it's going to be a long road back to being back to myself again. I do feel like I can do it. I just feel very tired right now. I'm beat. I feel like I've been beaten up by the world.
I'm having a hard time dealing with not having my ex in my life. Everywhere I go and everything I do seems to have a memory or reminder of him. I'm reminded of him at the supermarket, the drive to work, starting up my computer, Ikea, Target, the movies... it all hurts. I wonder if he feels the same way. Does it hurt him when he goes to a store and they play some goofy Kenny Loggins song that we used to laugh at? Does it hurt when he goes to the supermarket and he picks up some apples and he's reminded of the many times he used to pick on me because I don't like apples? I don't know. I guess I'll never know unless he tells me. I just will never understand how someone can be so into someone and their relationship and then in a span of a month, it's the complete opposite. I want to think that there's something else at work here. I want to believe that once we get out shit together, we'll get back together. but I know, deep down that probably won't happen. That's a movie ending and I don't have movie endings in my life.

Mom leaves today

2006-01-30T08:31:00.000-08:00

It was a good but tiring weekend. I promised my therapist that I would go swimming at least 3 times before our next meeting, so I went swimming on Saturday morning. It felt good to swim. Part of me wished that I could just stay in the pool until all of this pain and sadness disappeared.
Mom had cleaned and organized my entire apartment by Friday so we went out and got some baskets and such to make sure everything had a place. I don't know what I would have done if mom hadn't come out. It's going to be hard for me to say goodbye to her today. We spent the rest of Saturday getting the last little bits of stuff for the apartment and putting together a desk. Mom loves Nordstrom's Rack so we went there. I just find that where I would normally be ok with being out all day and being active, I just get tired. Incredibly tired. I feel like my whole body is being forced down with weight. Like someone is pressing down on my shoulders with tremendous force.
We had dinner with my friend Hillary which was nice. It was nice to see someone who I felt like knew what I was going thru. Not that mom doesn't know, it's just that she's feeling something different.
Yesterday we did a bit more shopping. Finished up the apartment, talked about my budget and got ready to have a couple people over for coffee, tea and cake. It was kinda like an open house. That and my friends have promised to make sure that I keep the apartment looking the way it does now. I think it will be good for me. It will give me a routine. Something that will hopefully help me take my mind off of things.
It's still very hard for me to go out. There's always something somewhere that reminds me of him or something we did or said we'd do. I know in time it will get easier but right now, it's just overwhelming.

Thank God Mom's here

2006-01-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'd do without my mom being here. She's gone thru and cleaned my entire apartment. It's sounds rediculous but that's how she deals with stress and pain. I just shut down. And she's right. I do live in a bit of chaos. So having her come in and deal with it, and getting it organized will definitely help me clear up the clutter in my brain.
I went to the therapist yesterday. I spent the entire time crying and sobbing. Which is good, I guess. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of looking like hell. I just want to be better. And I know that it's going to take more than an hour of therapy to get to a place where I feel good again. I just want to be myself again. I've got "homework" from the therapist. I'm supposed to set aside time to cry. That just feels weird to me. But I'll try. And I've got to get to the pool at least 3 times before I see her next. I really do like her. I think she's pretty good so far. But I just want to this be over and I want to be back to me again.

Mom's here

2006-01-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

Mom arrived yesterday. I lost it as soon as I saw her. I just wish I could stop crying. She seems to think I've lost weight and that if I just put a little bit of makeup on to hide the fact that I'm tired and worn out, I'd feel much better. I'm at work at the moment and mom's out to breakfast with my friend Darren. After that, she's planing on cleaning up my apartment. I'm a bit of a pack rat and it's driving mom crazy. She also thinks that if I get a bit more organized that will help clear out my head too. I don't know. I don't really want mom going thru all of my stuff, but at the same time I'm just too tired to care. I suppose it couldn't hurt. I know she's worried about me. I'm worried about me. Cleaning and organizing is how my mom deals with it.
Tonight is my first therapy session. We'll see how it goes. I'm just so tired of talking about everything. The only thing I know, is I can't stop crying and I don't know. I just don't know.

Waiting for mom to arrive

2006-01-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

This weekend a difficult one for me. I was able to make it thru work ok, but I got home and started to do laundry and then locked myself in my basement. I ended up having to cut a hole in the basement wall thru to my kitchen. After that, it was all down hill. I wrote an email to my ex explaining why I was upset and asking him to explain himself. And on Sunday I got an response. He explained what he was feeling and why he did what he did. Everyone wants me to hate him, but I don't. Don't get me wrong. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm upset. But I don't hate him. I think he was a coward in the way that he broke up with me. And I feel lied to. And that's what brought up a lot more issues that aren't related to him and our break up. I spent most of Sunday night sick and not sleeping and had to call in sick to work on Monday.

Thankfully my friend Darren had the day off so I spent it with him. Not really doing much of anything but it was good to not be at home and dwelling on all of this. I made an appointment with a therapist and my mom is coming out to stay with me for a couple of days to make sure I'm doing ok. I just wish I could stop crying and get passed all this, but I guess in time that will happen.

I just wish I could win the lotto

2006-01-20T09:14:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of this job. I hate it. I truly hate it. I actually am thinking about asking my bosses to switch me to the warehouse. I'd so prefer that over working in this office. It's so much like high school in this office. It's driving me mad.
And of course all the other stuff that's happened isn't helping. I can't sleep without some odd dream waking me up. I got my haircut yesterday. Which would have been fine, but there's one curl, on the back of my head that was giving my hairdresser problems. Oddly that's the same curl that my ex loved. He even gave it a name - Larry. So now I can't even go to get my haircut or even look in the mirror to brush my teeth or brush my hair without thinking of him. This is just getting rediculous. I just want to win the lotto, so I can take off and travel. Or even focus on starting my own business as a full time venture, not as a side project.

Feeling better

2006-01-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm feeling better. I just want to sleep all the time. I guess that's just my bodies way of coping. I wish I knew why this happened. But I suppose I can wish all I want. I'll never know unless he tells me why. I just can't see where it went wrong. All my memories of us are good ones, which is probably why this hurts so bad. I wonder if he even thinks about picking up the phone to try and explain. Or does he start and email and then stop himself. Has he written a letter and not sent it? I wish I knew. I really liked him. It's hard to have someone in your life and then the next day they're gone, never to be heard from again. It's not like he died. But it kinda feels that way. I got some photos back that we took with one of my christmas presents. They make me smile and laugh but they also make me sad. It's funny, when we're teenagers it seems like breaking up with someone was the end of the world. Little did I know that it gets harder and harder as we get older.

Just another day

2006-01-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

I forced myself to leave the house yesterday. Which I suppose was good. It took a lot of out me. I hate this crap. The worst part is not understanding why. And why does everything have some sort of reminder of him attached to it. It just sucks. I think my brain is just telling the rest of my body that we're still dating, but he's away on business or something. I just don't know if it's really fully hit yet. I was finally able to choke down some dinner last night which is good. It's still hard for me to sleep.

I packed up his star wars pj pants that I made for him. I sent them out to him with a note. I'd like to think that we might be able to be friends after all the dust settles. But I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

baby steps

2006-01-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

I'm still dealing with the break up. I suppose there were signs, but I'm not sure I noticed them. I think I just wrote them off as work related. I don't know. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. He's the one that has all the answers. I don't hate him. I'm just hurt and I'll eventually get over it. All of this brought a lot of stuff up to the surface that I wasn't really expecting. So I'm dealing with a lot of other things than just this break up. I think the hardest part of all of this is being able to trust someone. He didn't lie to me, but he also wasn't honest with me when he started feeling the way he did. It just seems like everything happened in the last two weeks. And I can't imagine that it was just in the last two weeks that he was feeling this way. I just don't know. I've got a lot of stuff to figure out.
I think I'm gonna try going for a swim tonight.
All I can say right now is, "I don't know. I just don't know."

Today is going to be a long day

2006-01-16T08:17:00.000-08:00

This weekend started off ok. I went to Michael's and Joanns to see if i could get the creative juices flowing for a self promo thing to send to some of the design firms around town.

Saturday I did some knitting on the Haiku sweater that I'm making for my cousin's little girl. I got pretty far. So I'm feeling good about that.

Then yesterday... my boyfriend hadn't been himself lately. And he had said that when he gets like this he just wants to hang out at home and not doing anything or talk to anyone. I completely understood, being an only child too. Well it turns out it was more than that. He wanted to break up. It kinda came from out of nowhere. The part that hurts the most is that I had to drive over to his house, and I was the one to say "So what are you saying, do you want to break up?" What angers me the most about this is that I basically did his breaking up for him. I still care deeply for him. We got along great which is where I don't understand where all this came from. It seems like everything was fine and then after New Years, something happened. And I don't know what it was. He said he didn't see us together for the long term. No reason why he didn't see us together for the long term. I'm just tired of this. The last three boyfriends I've had, have pretty much destroyed my will to do much of anything. It hurts to breathe. I know in time I'll get over it. I've gotten over much worse. I'm just tired of getting my heart broken by guys who can't be honest with themselves and me. And guys who make me do their dirty work. I can't take much more of this.

Day 26... will the rain ever end

2006-01-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

So this is the 26th day in a row that it's rained and I'm now starting to get used to it.
We had our office party last night. We went to Edmonds to play Whirlyball . It was a blast. If you've never played I suggest everyone go out and try it. It's a combo of basketball, bumper cars and jai-alai. Of course, today we're all super sore. But it was well worth the aches and pains.

I'm hoping this weekend I can actually buckle down and get some serious progress done on my website. No luck finding someone to code the site for me. I just hate doing it. To me, coding is like the highest form of torture. But since it's supposed to rain all weekend (what a shock), I've got no excuses.

My Cousin's in town

2006-01-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

Last night my cousin Patrick came into town for work. It's always great to see Pat. My parent's always made sure that I had a close relationship with my extended family. And because most of my family is within about a 30 mile radius of us, it was pretty easy. Pat and I even worked at the same place thru high school and part of college. So it's always good to see Pat. Unfortunately he's only in town for a day. But it was still good to see him.

Tonight is our office holiday party. Since we're in the wholesale business, Christmas time is always busy. So we have our holiday party after the holidays. We're going to play Whirlyball . I've never played before but my boyfriend is a big fan, so it should be a good time.

More rain...

2006-01-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

So I was wrong. As of today it's been 24 straight days of rain. This is the part of Seattle I hate. After awhile you just get so sick of grey and being damp. You just want to see the sun or go somewhere where there's anything but rain.

I started another ballet tshirt and had to frog it. I don't know why I can't just figure out how to pick up a dropped stitch without having to rip out most of what I've done. I suppose this time it's for the best. When I really looked at what I done, I realized I was off on my stitch count and that was something that I needed to start over again on.

After work last night I went to Archie McPhee's to hopefully come up with some great ideas for a self promotion mailer. I picked up a few things and I'll try and work them out this weekend. I finally posted something on craigslist for a trade for programming. I can't stand programming websites, so I'm hoping some good soul will help me. This way I can get my portfolio site done sooner rather than later.

Just another day at the office

2006-01-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

Nothing exciting happening today. Just another day at the office. My big plans for this evening are to go home and clean the house. We've had 22 straight days of rain, and since I live in a basement apartment, the rain seems to be getting into my apartment. It wasn't so bad at the beginning of the winter, but now it's starting to ruin the floorboards. Ah, the joys of living in Seattle!
And then tomorrow my cousin Patrick is in town for a day or two. I going to pick him up form the airport and we'll hit the town. Or at least go out to eat.

I want to go back

2006-01-09T07:56:00.000-08:00

We went to Leavenworth this weekend. It was so nice. It was great to be able to relax and just hang out with friends. It was a bit rainy on Saturday but yesterday was pretty nice. I ended up finishing up the Ballet Tshirt. It doesn't look so bad. I can see where the 2 drop stitches are that I didn't know I dropped. And it's driving me mad. And since it didn't really take me all that long to do, I'm going to make another one. Oh well, I guess that's just the fun of being a relatively new knitter. I just wish we had taken another day or two off so that we could stay in Leavenworth for a few more days. Oh well. There will be other weekends.

Now if i could just get myself to finish that darned Haiku sweater for my cousin's little girl. Maybe I'll go back to working on that tonight while my boyfriend is installing more RAM in his computer.

Only a couple more hours

2006-01-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

It's finally Friday! I got into work early this morning so I could take off early. I want to get a headstart on the weekend. My boyfriend and I along with a couple friends of ours are heading to Leavenworth this weekend. It'll be great to be away from Seattle for a bit. And possibly see some snow!

I got home last night and started working on my Ballet tshirt from the Loop-D-Loop book. I about half way done with it. So far so good. I went to count how many stitches I had on my needles as a double check and realized I was 2 short. I added them back on and as I got going realized where I had dropped them. Unfortunately it was way too late for me to go back and try and pick them up again. I'm hoping that I'll be able to cover them up with a pin or two. But other than that, it seems to be smooth sailing. It's actually a pretty easy pattern. I'll probably do another one now that i know the pattern. I'm hoping to have it finished by the end of the evening. We've got a long car drive ahead of us tonight, so it's a perfect time to finish it.

And hopefully I'll be able to get some work done on my portfolio site. I'm not too psyched to work on it. I hate programming the site. I just wish I had millions of dollars to have someone else program it. But then again, if I had millions of dollars, I probably wouldn't be worried about my portfolio site and trying to find a design job.

Happy weekend!

Just another Seattle Rainy day

2006-01-05T09:02:00.000-08:00

I got home last night and started work on my portfolio site and got sidetracked. I seem to get sidetracked a lot. I spent most of the time working on a side project that I'm doing with a couple of friends of mine. So I spent most of the evening working on a logo and website for that. I forgot how much I enjoy doing that sort of thing. Especially when it's something that I'm really into. Unfortunately we can quite come up with a name that we all like. We've had a few names that were ok, but nothing that really spoke to us. So we'll keep going until we come up with a good name. I'm hoping that something will hit me during the day today.

I can't wait until my work week is over. I'm just counting down the time until we can head to Leavenworth. Oh well... it's almost here.

Too much time knitting

2006-01-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

After work last night I went to Weaving Works. I ended up getting another knitting book, and a hank of Manos del Uruguay Cotton Stria yarn. I'm thinking about making the Isabeau Purse that I found on the Knittyboards. - because I just don't have enought projects going. I got home and started working on my ballet tshirt. I was at the armhole shaping and miscounted because I had to rip out what I had done. And because I wasn't paying attention, I dropped a stitch and it just went downhill from there. I eventually decided to start over again. Fortunately I wasn't there far along in the project. But it still stinks. So now I'm back to the armhole shaping for this evening.

If I can get my lazy butt into work a bit earlier tomorrow, I'll try and post a couple of photos of my progress.

I'm heading to Leavenworth with my boyfriend and some friends of ours. Hopefully when they're off snowboarding I'll be able to knit and get work done on my portfolio site. This customer service job just isn't cutting it anymore. I really like the people I work with, but the job is far from challenging. And I miss design work. Now I've just got to come up with some creative self promotion thing... I'll save that project for tomorrow...

Hello... is this thing on?

2006-01-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

So this is my first attempt at a blog. I've got way too many projects going on and not enough me, time and patience to even begin to finish them all. I figure if I try and write about them, then maybe I'll be forced to finish them.

Currently I'm working on the Haiku sweater for my cousin's little girl. I just started the back of it. So far, so good. Fortunately I started it when I was back east for Christmas. Thank God for Grandma's who can knit like a pro!

The other knitting project I've got going is the Ballet Tshirt from the Loop-d-Loop book. I just started it last night. It seems to be going well. I was having a bit of problems with finding the right size circular needles. It suggests using size 15 - 24" needles, but I ended up using size 17 - 16" needles. We'll see how it goes.

Oh and on top of the knitting, I've got some baby tshirt designs I need to silkscreen on some onesies and my portfolio website to finish up - I really can't stand the customer service world anymore... I want back into design.

And on that note, I suppose I should get back to work - customer service work that is...