Just the Highlights Please
During the past couple of months I’ve been on a few dates. Which brought to mind some previous dates. So I’ve decided to list some of the highlights of my illustrious dating career.
Let’s start with the guy(s) who stare at my breasts and/or talk to them all night long. They’re not gonna talk back to you, nor are they going to ever let you get near them. Thanks for being so obvious. Next!
Moving on… how about Short Attention Span Man. He’s the guy that spent most of the time nodding, agreeing, not listening and checking out everyone that walked by. Then proceeded to ask me a question that I had just answered. And of course, he wanted to go out again. Um, thanks, but no.
This is my personal favorite – he was already drunk when I got there. Proceeded to tell me that one woman at his office hates him. She apparently snapped at him for something. And when I asked if maybe she was having a bad day, he replied, “She just hates men.” To which I should have replied, “Probably not all men, just you.” But I kept my mouth shut for some strange reason. Then he opened up a bit more and told me how much he enjoys Riverdance, celtic music and the dealbreaker(for anyone, not just this guy. He was done well before this little nugget came out) – his Utilikilt. I will never understand the allure of a Utilikilt. You just look like an idiot. There are no shoes that a guy can wear that go with a Utilikilt. You just look like you got dressed in the dark and accidentally grabbed your wife’s ugly skirt. Sorry… back to the original rant. Even the waitress knew this date was over when we sat down. And was even helpful enough to try and say,”So would you like the check, then?” But no…he grabbed another beer and then said (and I’m not making this up. This was actual dialog), “So I really feel like we’re clicking here.” To which I responded, “I’ve heard no such click. I need to go. You are just no where near my type or anyone I would chose to hang around with.” The next day I got an email saying, “I know we didn’t really connect. But I’ve got this friend… he’s a lawyer. I think you two would really hit it off.” Are you friggin’ kidding me?
And here’s the short list of some of the highlights…the guy who kept banging his head on the table when I said something that he thought was kinda funny. Or the guy who thought we were meant to be after 2 dates. And the guy who kept referring to himself as my gentleman caller. Ew. Or the guy who I thought was gay, but then tried to kiss me as I was getting out of the car. And by kiss me, I mean he tried to shove his tongue down my throat. The guy who couldn’t pronounce aromatherapy. Or the guy who was such a low-talker that I had to keep saying, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
And it as this point that I would like to send a call out to all my friends. If you want to fix me up with someone, please don’t let it be the guy who you thought sounded just like one my bad date highlights. If you do, I will no longer consider you a friend. But if you know of a nice, sane guy that might be able to tolerate all my crap, feel free to give your matchmaking skills a go.
Let’s start with the guy(s) who stare at my breasts and/or talk to them all night long. They’re not gonna talk back to you, nor are they going to ever let you get near them. Thanks for being so obvious. Next!
Moving on… how about Short Attention Span Man. He’s the guy that spent most of the time nodding, agreeing, not listening and checking out everyone that walked by. Then proceeded to ask me a question that I had just answered. And of course, he wanted to go out again. Um, thanks, but no.
This is my personal favorite – he was already drunk when I got there. Proceeded to tell me that one woman at his office hates him. She apparently snapped at him for something. And when I asked if maybe she was having a bad day, he replied, “She just hates men.” To which I should have replied, “Probably not all men, just you.” But I kept my mouth shut for some strange reason. Then he opened up a bit more and told me how much he enjoys Riverdance, celtic music and the dealbreaker(for anyone, not just this guy. He was done well before this little nugget came out) – his Utilikilt. I will never understand the allure of a Utilikilt. You just look like an idiot. There are no shoes that a guy can wear that go with a Utilikilt. You just look like you got dressed in the dark and accidentally grabbed your wife’s ugly skirt. Sorry… back to the original rant. Even the waitress knew this date was over when we sat down. And was even helpful enough to try and say,”So would you like the check, then?” But no…he grabbed another beer and then said (and I’m not making this up. This was actual dialog), “So I really feel like we’re clicking here.” To which I responded, “I’ve heard no such click. I need to go. You are just no where near my type or anyone I would chose to hang around with.” The next day I got an email saying, “I know we didn’t really connect. But I’ve got this friend… he’s a lawyer. I think you two would really hit it off.” Are you friggin’ kidding me?
And here’s the short list of some of the highlights…the guy who kept banging his head on the table when I said something that he thought was kinda funny. Or the guy who thought we were meant to be after 2 dates. And the guy who kept referring to himself as my gentleman caller. Ew. Or the guy who I thought was gay, but then tried to kiss me as I was getting out of the car. And by kiss me, I mean he tried to shove his tongue down my throat. The guy who couldn’t pronounce aromatherapy. Or the guy who was such a low-talker that I had to keep saying, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
And it as this point that I would like to send a call out to all my friends. If you want to fix me up with someone, please don’t let it be the guy who you thought sounded just like one my bad date highlights. If you do, I will no longer consider you a friend. But if you know of a nice, sane guy that might be able to tolerate all my crap, feel free to give your matchmaking skills a go.
posted by Becky at 8:41 PM
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