Incredibly tired today

I went to therapy yesterday thinking that I was feeling better and doing better. While in some ways I am getting better. I don't feel as hopeless as I did before and I'm wanting to get back to being creative again. But in other ways I'm still fighting with the depression. I'm trying to shield all my friends and family from all of the bad. I don't want them to feel all the pain and sorrow that I feel, so I do my best to cover it. At this point I don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm incredibly tired and for a long time I didn't know why. I'm constantly putting on a good face around friends and family so that they think everything is ok. It will eventually be ok. I'll eventually be back to my old self, but in the meantime, I do what I can to keep them from feeling even a tenth of what I feel. I keep myself busy and keep my mind on other things so that the blackness doesn't come back. I understand that I need to be able to let some of that blackness in so that I can heal. But my big fear is that it will all come rushing in and I won't be able to come out of it. I'm afraid that it will takeover. After therapy last night, I kept wondering how long have I been like this? Have I been depressed for years and not realized it. I've just choked it down and forced it down until now, when I'm no longer stronger than it? I remember being incredibly tired towards the last month or so with my ex. Was I depressed then and didn't know it? Did he have some idea that something was wrong and that it was too big for him to fix or even deal with? I hate feeling like I don't know what's next. What's going to happen to me or how I'll feel from day to day. I find it's hard to plan for a future when you can barely see what's going to happen tomorrow. It's all so tiring...