The past couple of days

The past couple of days have been very difficult for me. I'm realizing now that what I'm going thru isn't because of my break up. That was the catalyst. For past couple of days I've tried to get myself to do things. To get out of the house. To go and hang out with friends. But when it gets to the point where I have to actually do something, I can't. I just don't want to. I don't feel like I have control over my own body. It feels like something black has taken over and is growing. I kept thinking that if I can just throw up, perhaps all this blackness will be purged and I can get back to being me again. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm strong and I'll get thru this. And while my head knows this, the rest of my body and that blackness that's controlling me tells me otherwise. I physically feel like someone is pushing my shoulders towards the ground.
When I'm at work, I make a conscience decision to do this or do that after work. I get in my car, start driving and I get to a certain point and I freak out. I need to get home. I have to get home. I can't do this. I want to be home. No matter how much I fight that feeling, I always end up home and not where I planned to be. When I do go out, it's to the supermarket and I feel like everyone knows that I'm not in control. That there's a black cloud over me and everyone can see it. And everyone is looking at me.
The things that I used to love to do, I have no feelings about. I used to love to knit. Now I can barely pick up the knitting needles without getting bored or the needles feel like they weigh a ton. I used to love to take my Holga camera with me everywhere and take photos. Now it just sits on the shelf, staring at me.
I've never experienced this before and it's hard for anyone who hasn't been thru this to know what it's like. I know my family and friends are trying to understand and that means the world to me. The one thing that they don't understand is that I can not control this blackness. At least not right now. It's not like being sad because I didn't get the job or because I gained a couple of pounds. This is not something that I can say, "Well I'll feel bad for a couple of days and then after that, it's over. I'll move on." It's much deeper and stronger than that. And while I appreciate the concern and all the ideas on how to move thru this, the only thing I can say right now is, "I'm trying." This is the best I can do right now. My head knows that I will eventually make it thru this and I'll be a stronger person for it. But right now my head doesn't have control. And when it does I'll be better and stronger,