Feeling... well I'm not sure how I'm feeling
Today started off kinda slow. I couldn't really sleep last night. I had a lot of bizaare dreams. I could feel myself drifting towards what happened last weekend so I tried to stop it as quickly as possible and decided to try and go swimming. I didn't swim for too long. I tend to get tired more easily now. After swimming I decided to go and pick up some film for my camera. Since it's a really nice day out I thought this might help me get out of the funk. I took about 16 photos (basically 1 roll of film for my Holga) and just couldn't get myself into it. So now I'm sitting at the Columbia Ale House waiting to get something to eat.
I find that I tend to get more aggregvated than I used to. Some guy started honking his horn at me because he thought i cut him off. But if the dipshit would have looked he would have realized that he was in the wrong friggin' lane. Normally I would have just sworn at him and moved on. but I found myself fighting to keep from getting out of the car and unleashing a massive verbal assault on him. It took me about a half and hour before I was back to normal.
For anyone that hasn't gone thru a massive depression like this it's hard for you to understand why I can't just function like an intelligent person in certain situations. Let me see if I can try and explain it. On a scientific level, when we go thru a trauma the body's chemicals do what they feel needs to be done to keep us functioning. So all your body chemistry is out of whack. On a personal and emotional level it feels like you have no control. There's a second personality that's controlling the show and it's called depression. At one point at my lowest low last weekend, it felt like I had a massive hairball of blackness and sadness inside me. And I kept thinking that if i could just throw up the hairball everything would be better. For me it feels like I'm watching what's going on with me. Someone else wrote the script and I'm just acting it out. The only difference between me and the movies is that I feel all the pain that goes along with what's written in the script.
The fact that I have to wait at least 2 business days for an actual drug prescribing doctor to call me back is unbelievable to me. And I'll probably have to wait another weeke before I can actually get an appointment. I'm taking every step I can to get better. And while I feel awful and like there's no way out right now. My mind knows that I will come out of this a strong and much happier person. But what if I was one of those people who really did contemplate suicide and I had to wait this long to get the proper help. I would be dead by the time they got back to me. I know it's not the doctors' fault. It's the system. So I'd like to thank the system for helping me. With friend's like you, who needs enemies....
I find that I tend to get more aggregvated than I used to. Some guy started honking his horn at me because he thought i cut him off. But if the dipshit would have looked he would have realized that he was in the wrong friggin' lane. Normally I would have just sworn at him and moved on. but I found myself fighting to keep from getting out of the car and unleashing a massive verbal assault on him. It took me about a half and hour before I was back to normal.
For anyone that hasn't gone thru a massive depression like this it's hard for you to understand why I can't just function like an intelligent person in certain situations. Let me see if I can try and explain it. On a scientific level, when we go thru a trauma the body's chemicals do what they feel needs to be done to keep us functioning. So all your body chemistry is out of whack. On a personal and emotional level it feels like you have no control. There's a second personality that's controlling the show and it's called depression. At one point at my lowest low last weekend, it felt like I had a massive hairball of blackness and sadness inside me. And I kept thinking that if i could just throw up the hairball everything would be better. For me it feels like I'm watching what's going on with me. Someone else wrote the script and I'm just acting it out. The only difference between me and the movies is that I feel all the pain that goes along with what's written in the script.
The fact that I have to wait at least 2 business days for an actual drug prescribing doctor to call me back is unbelievable to me. And I'll probably have to wait another weeke before I can actually get an appointment. I'm taking every step I can to get better. And while I feel awful and like there's no way out right now. My mind knows that I will come out of this a strong and much happier person. But what if I was one of those people who really did contemplate suicide and I had to wait this long to get the proper help. I would be dead by the time they got back to me. I know it's not the doctors' fault. It's the system. So I'd like to thank the system for helping me. With friend's like you, who needs enemies....
posted by Becky at 1:52 PM
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