It's been a long weekend

As I drove up to my house on Thursday, my check engine light went on. Great. Just when I'm trying to get all my shit together, I have to now get my car fixed. Fortunately I was able to find a mechanic and was able to drop the car off this morning. Friday rolls around, I go to work - nothing out of the ordinary there. Leave to go home and the UW finally calls. Let me just say, the healthcare system in this country is awful. The woman that I talked to was somewhat pleasant, but it was obvious that I was her last call and she just wanted to get home. She called while I was driving home. She informed me that I was not in their system and that my therapist had not faxed over a referral. Bullshit. I know she did. Now, it could be that the fax never made it thru. That's entirely possible. It's also possible that someone at their offices misplaced it. So I asked why was I not informed that the fax never came thru. She told me that when we call our names and phone numbers are written on scrap paper and once we are called back, that paper is thrown out. I find that to be completely and totally unacceptable. This is an issue of health. It's not like they are calling me back because I didn't receive part of my Amazon.com order. When I asked her why there wasn't a better system in place for calling people back, she didn't say anything and she changed the subject. Since I've called 3 times, she's going to put me in their system (even though she did not believe me when I said I've called three times and one time was to talk to the patient relations person). So she starts to ask me all these insurance questions. All this information is at my house. And I tell her that. Then she asks if I'm driving. Why yes, yes I am. I'm heading home from work. Then she informs me that she can not help me until I stop driving. I'm on a friggin highway. Where do you suggest I stop? It's also rush hour. I completely understand not being able to take any information from me while I am driving as it's dangerous. But we continue to talk about why there is this massive hole in their call back system and what I need to do to get in to see a doctor for the next 30 minutes! And that's safe? By the time we come to the end of the conversation, it comes out that basically what they do is, I'll meet with a doctor, then the doctor will write a recommendation for medication, if they feel it's necessary and after that I have to take it to my general practitioner. Well that's great. But it takes about 3 weeks for me to get in to see her. And from what I understand, she can prescribe the medication for me and I don't have to go thru all of this. And when I tell this woman that, she says that my general practitioner can not prescribe medication for my depression. Well you might want to tell my insurance company and the several other doctors and therapists I've talked to. So... UW you are by far the worst organization I have ever dealt with. At this point I plan to deal with my depression without medication. It will be far less painful than dealing with you.

Today was a long, long day

I went to Summit Research this morning to see if I fit the criteria for any of their depression studies. Unfortunately, I don't. They told me that I was "grieving" the loss of a relationship and not depressed. This is no longer about the end of my relationship. This is much bigger. And for someone to sit and talk to me for a few minutes to tell me that, is awful. Yes, I do believe that I am grieving, but I don't think it's about my relationship anymore.

After that, I went home and called UW Medical Center. As of today it has been 2 weeks since I first called them to try and get in to see a psychiatrist. I was able to talk to a person, and that person had to put me thru to another voicemail. Which told me to leave a very clear and concise message and they will call be back in about 48 hours. I left my message and then called the UW Medical Center's Patient Relations office. I explained that I have been seeing a therapist who thinks that I should be on medication for depression and that I needed to see a psychiatrist and they would be able to determine which medicine would be good for me. I also explained to her that it has now been 2 weeks since starting this process with their organization. I also told her that I understand that while I am not the at a crisis level, I am hurting and I am doing what I need to do to get better. And it appears, from this patient's view, that they are making it incredibly difficult to become healthy again. She apologized for what I was going thru with them, and told me she would call the manager and get right back to me. That was at 11 this morning. It is now 5:30 pm. Apparently getting right back to someone means 2 or more weeks. Fortunately I was referred to another psychiatrist by a friend and will hopefully be able to get in to see him soon.

Then I went back to work for a couple of hours. At around 2 it was off to see my therapist. I'm so glad that I have the therapist that I have. She is truly a wonderful person. And now I'm going to compose a letter to the head of the UW Medical Center. As well as my insurance company and the Seattle PI.

I just don't get it

I still have not heard from UW physicans about setting up an appointment. As of Thursday or Friday it will exactly 2 weeks since I first called and tried to get in to see a doctor. At this point, I've found another doctor. But in the meantime I plan on writing a letter to my insurance company, as well as UW Medical Center and I also plan on writing to the PI. I do not understand why a top rated hospital would give someone - who is desparately trying to get help, the runaround.
Tomorrow is going to be a long and draining day. I have my first meeting with the psychiatrist. That's in the morning and then in the afternoon, I meet with my regular therapist. Just seeing my regular therapist drains me for a couple of days. I can't imagine what it's going to be like seeing 2 in one day. But if it gets me healthy again, I'm willing to do it.

Warm out today

I'm super warm out today. I've been trying to research alternative ways to treat depression. It's been exactly one week since I last talked to UW to try and get in to see a therapist. I'm hoping someone calls me back today. God knows when I'll be able to actually get in to see someone. I plan on writing a letter to my insurance company as well as the UW physicans and a few other places that I just can think of at the moment. Their procedures only stand in the way of someone getting help. I wouldn't be suprized if it led to someone getting worse. It's horrible to think that in a nation such as ours that we can not get the help we need without jumping thru a million hoops. At this point, I'm tired of jumping thru the hoops and all I want to do is sleep until all of this blackness passes.

Super tired today

I guess maybe the internet at home might not be good for my sleep. I was up pretty late doing absolutely nothing... but I was online. Looking up nothing of real importance. God I love the internet!

The Internet is Finally Here!

Holy crap I finally have internet at the house! It's so nice to have a connection to the outside world via the internet and not TV. I'm hoping this helps the depression leave a bit faster :)
I just want to say to all my friends and family who read this, thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for trying to understand what it is I'm going thru. I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't been thru depression to understand what it is that I'm going thru. I don't think I can say it enough, it's not something I can control. I'm not in control of my emotions, my thoughts or my actions (in a way). Right now my main goal is to survive. I have good days and bad days. There are days when I think all is hopeless. And there are days when I feel like my old self. I miss my old self. I miss happiness. I know I will eventually get thru this. But right now, I want everyone to know I will be ok and I love you and thank you for all your support and love.

Incredibly tired today

I went to therapy yesterday thinking that I was feeling better and doing better. While in some ways I am getting better. I don't feel as hopeless as I did before and I'm wanting to get back to being creative again. But in other ways I'm still fighting with the depression. I'm trying to shield all my friends and family from all of the bad. I don't want them to feel all the pain and sorrow that I feel, so I do my best to cover it. At this point I don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm incredibly tired and for a long time I didn't know why. I'm constantly putting on a good face around friends and family so that they think everything is ok. It will eventually be ok. I'll eventually be back to my old self, but in the meantime, I do what I can to keep them from feeling even a tenth of what I feel. I keep myself busy and keep my mind on other things so that the blackness doesn't come back. I understand that I need to be able to let some of that blackness in so that I can heal. But my big fear is that it will all come rushing in and I won't be able to come out of it. I'm afraid that it will takeover. After therapy last night, I kept wondering how long have I been like this? Have I been depressed for years and not realized it. I've just choked it down and forced it down until now, when I'm no longer stronger than it? I remember being incredibly tired towards the last month or so with my ex. Was I depressed then and didn't know it? Did he have some idea that something was wrong and that it was too big for him to fix or even deal with? I hate feeling like I don't know what's next. What's going to happen to me or how I'll feel from day to day. I find it's hard to plan for a future when you can barely see what's going to happen tomorrow. It's all so tiring...

I wish I could sleep at a normal time

IEver since all this stuff started happening I haven't been able to sleep real well. Or at least sleep when I should be sleeping. Even when I take a tylenol pm, which usually knocks me out cold, I still can't sleep. Other than that I definitely feel like I'm on the way back to being me again. But in the back of my mind I'm always worried about slipping, and going back to that black place. I feel like it's just in remission right now. All this has taught me that I need to start taking better care of myself emotionally, instead of everyone else. And that I'm a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. I guess it comes from not wanting to fail.

Thank God that's over

I got into work this morning and it seems like I was not made to deal with mornings. I'm more aggregvated with people when I have to have to deal with them in the mornings. It's awful. I'm not sure if it's related to the not doing anything on Valentine's Day. Who knows. I still feel pretty good. I just get aggregvated and angry at a moments notice. It's just stupid stuff that sets me off. Someone's car radio is too loud, or someone says something stupid, like "what the other dimension of that 9" square?"
On the plus side, I have been working on my portfolio site. Now if I could just get the HTML to behave, it would be even better.

The waiting game

So I'm in a bit a of a holding pattern. I'm waiting for a call back from the UW therapists. I'm waiting to see if my therapists actually faxed over a referral. I'm waiting to get paid. I'm waiting to get cable internet connection at home.... basically I'm just waiting. I did get a great suprize in the mail yesterday. My good friend Linda sent me a ton of film for my Holga and an awesome book called Design it Yourself. It's such a great book. It actually got me motivated to work on my portfolio site again. I've scrapped my original design and started with something that i think is a bit better.
Oh yeah, and it's Valentine's day. I can't tell you how sick of all the jewelry commercials, the flower and candy commercials. And the general feeling of "If you don't have a special someone for Valentine's day, that's just sad and almost Unamerican." It's not like I chose to be alone on Valentine's day. Before all of this happened we actually had plans for Valentine's day. We were planning on going to San Francisco this weekend to celebrate. Oh well. Shit changes, with no reason or warning. I plan on spending this day, trying to avoid any and all talk of love, relationships and my plans for Valentine's day. I haven't had a boyfriend on Valentine's day since high school, so for me it's just another day. Thanks Hallmark for making us single people feel like losers.

The insurance and health care system here sucks

I finally got a call back from the therapists at UW. I now need to get the therapist that I'm seeing now to write a referral and fax it in to them. From there it will take 2 days or more for them to put me into their system. After that, they could not give me an estimate as to how long it would be before I see a therapist and possible get put on medication. This is unbelievably frustrating and just adds to my depression. I'm am doing everything in my power to get better. And at every turn I have to wait. That wait could be the difference between me having a good day and me having one of those awful black days where all I want to do is sleep. I spent the weekend worrying that this blackness would come back. And I spent all my energy fighting it off. I go to bed at 9. And can sleep for only a couple hours before my subconscience takes over and wakes me up with awful dreams that I can't purge from my system.
I can't control the sadness, the anger. the rage and all the other range of emotions that I feel on a given day. I do my best to not explode with anger or burst into tears when I'm at work. But the pressure to be and act like everyone else gives me massive headaches and sucks all my energy.
I find it hard to believe that most insurance companies or big medical companies are in their line of work to help people. If that was the case, people wouldn't have to wait or go without the care that they need to get better. I know that there are people who work in these companies that do what they do because they want to help and heal people. But the money people of big business make everyone else look bad. It must be nice to have the money and the power to not have to worry about any of the worries that the rest of the world has to deal with. Thank God I'm not suicidal. If I was I would be dead by now.

Feeling... well I'm not sure how I'm feeling

Today started off kinda slow. I couldn't really sleep last night. I had a lot of bizaare dreams. I could feel myself drifting towards what happened last weekend so I tried to stop it as quickly as possible and decided to try and go swimming. I didn't swim for too long. I tend to get tired more easily now. After swimming I decided to go and pick up some film for my camera. Since it's a really nice day out I thought this might help me get out of the funk. I took about 16 photos (basically 1 roll of film for my Holga) and just couldn't get myself into it. So now I'm sitting at the Columbia Ale House waiting to get something to eat.
I find that I tend to get more aggregvated than I used to. Some guy started honking his horn at me because he thought i cut him off. But if the dipshit would have looked he would have realized that he was in the wrong friggin' lane. Normally I would have just sworn at him and moved on. but I found myself fighting to keep from getting out of the car and unleashing a massive verbal assault on him. It took me about a half and hour before I was back to normal.
For anyone that hasn't gone thru a massive depression like this it's hard for you to understand why I can't just function like an intelligent person in certain situations. Let me see if I can try and explain it. On a scientific level, when we go thru a trauma the body's chemicals do what they feel needs to be done to keep us functioning. So all your body chemistry is out of whack. On a personal and emotional level it feels like you have no control. There's a second personality that's controlling the show and it's called depression. At one point at my lowest low last weekend, it felt like I had a massive hairball of blackness and sadness inside me. And I kept thinking that if i could just throw up the hairball everything would be better. For me it feels like I'm watching what's going on with me. Someone else wrote the script and I'm just acting it out. The only difference between me and the movies is that I feel all the pain that goes along with what's written in the script.
The fact that I have to wait at least 2 business days for an actual drug prescribing doctor to call me back is unbelievable to me. And I'll probably have to wait another weeke before I can actually get an appointment. I'm taking every step I can to get better. And while I feel awful and like there's no way out right now. My mind knows that I will come out of this a strong and much happier person. But what if I was one of those people who really did contemplate suicide and I had to wait this long to get the proper help. I would be dead by the time they got back to me. I know it's not the doctors' fault. It's the system. So I'd like to thank the system for helping me. With friend's like you, who needs enemies....

Tired but good

I met with my therapist last night. It was good meeting. It looks like I'm going to be going on medication to help me thru this time. So I spent most of the morning on the phone with my insurance company asking about how much I'm going to have to pay for my medication and which psychiatrist is covered by my insurance so that I don't have to pay a million dollars to get the help I need. I just wish my therapist could prescribe medication so that I don't have to go all over the place. I just want to get better. I don't feel the need for me to run around town so that it's easier for my insurance company.

Feeling better...

I felt pretty good yesterday and this morning. I still have problems with getting out of bed. But then again, who doesn't? While I'm happy about feeling good, I am worried that I might go back to that dark place. I still feel like I do not have control over what is happening in my head.

I was able to go the library last night. And I was there for a bit before I started to have a bit of an anxiety attack. I got back to knitting again and did that for a couple of hours. And I'm looking forward to getting a package from my parents. They are sending me some money for film so I can get out and take some pictures.

A lot of people have said that perhaps a change of scenery would do me good, but I feel like taking a break is a temporary fix. When my mom was here I was doing better, as soon as she left I fell apart. Right now the only constant in my life is work. That's the only thing that keeps my mind off of everything. I feel like, taking that away even if it is to travel, would be bad for me. Besides, traveling costs money. Something I have very little of at the moment.

The past couple of days

The past couple of days have been very difficult for me. I'm realizing now that what I'm going thru isn't because of my break up. That was the catalyst. For past couple of days I've tried to get myself to do things. To get out of the house. To go and hang out with friends. But when it gets to the point where I have to actually do something, I can't. I just don't want to. I don't feel like I have control over my own body. It feels like something black has taken over and is growing. I kept thinking that if I can just throw up, perhaps all this blackness will be purged and I can get back to being me again. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm strong and I'll get thru this. And while my head knows this, the rest of my body and that blackness that's controlling me tells me otherwise. I physically feel like someone is pushing my shoulders towards the ground.
When I'm at work, I make a conscience decision to do this or do that after work. I get in my car, start driving and I get to a certain point and I freak out. I need to get home. I have to get home. I can't do this. I want to be home. No matter how much I fight that feeling, I always end up home and not where I planned to be. When I do go out, it's to the supermarket and I feel like everyone knows that I'm not in control. That there's a black cloud over me and everyone can see it. And everyone is looking at me.
The things that I used to love to do, I have no feelings about. I used to love to knit. Now I can barely pick up the knitting needles without getting bored or the needles feel like they weigh a ton. I used to love to take my Holga camera with me everywhere and take photos. Now it just sits on the shelf, staring at me.
I've never experienced this before and it's hard for anyone who hasn't been thru this to know what it's like. I know my family and friends are trying to understand and that means the world to me. The one thing that they don't understand is that I can not control this blackness. At least not right now. It's not like being sad because I didn't get the job or because I gained a couple of pounds. This is not something that I can say, "Well I'll feel bad for a couple of days and then after that, it's over. I'll move on." It's much deeper and stronger than that. And while I appreciate the concern and all the ideas on how to move thru this, the only thing I can say right now is, "I'm trying." This is the best I can do right now. My head knows that I will eventually make it thru this and I'll be a stronger person for it. But right now my head doesn't have control. And when it does I'll be better and stronger,

Last night was a bit tough

I had a pretty big breakdown last night. The thing is, I'm not sure what's going to make me happy or cheer me up. When I used to think of my future it was all very clear and good. Now when I think of my future I don't see anything.
With "the Frenchman" and the boyfriend after that there were very clear reasons why they broke it off. But with this one there isn't one. I'm really struggling with it. I know there's nothing I can do and I'll probably never know the answer, but for some reason I just can't get past it.
My head knows that i need time to get over this and time to heal and everything will be fine, but right now, my heart doesn't think it's possible.
I'm beginning to think that perhaps I need something more than therapy.

Lonely weekend

This weekend was a pretty lonely one. We had a nasty wind storm starting late Friday night and moved into most of Saturday. I ended up going into work on Saturday to make up some time from when mom was here. Getting to work was awful. There were trees down and power out - mostly street lights from what I could tell. I'm glad I went into work as I would have just sat home and done nothing. After that I ran som errands, grabbed a couple of movies and went home. I hate spending nights alone. I guess before this last break up I was used to being alone. Now I hate it. I want to go out, but all my friends are coupled up. I don't like being the third wheel and I don't like feeling like they asked me to hang out because they're worried about me or they feel sorry for me. I hate that feeling and I feel that way all the time.
Yesterday was Superbowl Sunday and since the Seahawks were in it for the first time I decided to watch it. The game started at 3 so I spent most of the morning depressed. Depressed because it was the first weekend I was really truly alone. Mom wasn't there, and everyone else was off with their other half. So I decided to go out and take some pictures. I had a half a roll of film left in two cameras so I went out. Which wasn't too bad. I went to Jefferson Park over in West Seattle. And as I was walking I heard a girl talking all about the preparations for her wedding. As I listened, I realized I knew her. I was already in a awful space, so I basically tried to get out of there as fast as I could. I'm happy for her. I really am, but I don't need to hear about someone else's happy life when I just don't understand how mine made a complete 180.
So I went back home to watch the game. Which I spent most of the game upset. Upset because I could picture what I would be doing if I were still with my ex. No matter what I did, I couldn't get past that. I knew we would be at his friends house, watching the game, eating, drinking and having fun.
I spend my time getting psyched up to go out and when it comes down to it, I really don't want to go out and I don't want to do anything. I want my old life back.

I'm tired but feeling better

I went to the therapists last night. We talked about a lot of things. Mostly about how I've been doing and what I'm doing for myself. We talked about what I thought happened and why my ex broke it off. And I came to 3 different answers - He's projected what he wanted onto me and when he realized that I wasn't it, he left. He got scared - scared of the commitment, scared of his feelings... And something or someone influenced him - whether there's someone else in his life now, or his friends or family told him that they just didn't think I was good for him. I don't know. I'll never know. And that's the part that's so frustrating to me. It's all so draining. I just want my friend back. Unfortunately, that friend and that friendship will never be what it was. And that's probably the hardest thing to deal with.

It's going to take some time

I understand that. I'm working on getting better. But to all my friends and family that I know are well meaning, please stop the bad mouthing and your opinions of why we broke up. I don't need to hear what an awful person he is. He's not. He went about things wrong, that's true. But he's not a bad person. I can't blame him or hate him for feeling the way he does. I also don't need to hear why you think he did what he did. It's not helping me get over this any faster. If anything it's like reliving it over and over again. He's the only person who can tell me why. And he did. He told me his reasons. Whether they are true or not is only something that he can tell me. I think about this everyday. And while it's not as all consuming and as painful as it once was, it's still there. So if you want to help me, please just be there to listen and just be there. No opinions. No judgements.

Nothing new to report

It took me over and hour to get home last night. Then when I got home my ex had dropped off the rest of my things. I don't know what I was thinking. Perhaps a letter explaining how sorry he was. Or perhaps that he's changed his mind. I don't know. Again, that's something that happens in a movie. Not in my life. All that was a bit hard to take, so I decided to go swimming. Well when I got to the pool the pool was closed because their HVAC system had shut down or something strange. And by this point it's now pouring down rain. So I get in the car and drive over to Storables to get the rest of the boxes for me to put my dvds and cds in. By the time I got home it was 8. So I organized my cds and dvds and pretty much went to bed. I'm still having problems sleeping. I'm trying not to continue to take Tylenol PM but last night was difficult.
It's weird, I'm in this strange space. I just keep picturing things a couple months from now. When I run into him. Half that time I picture it where he regrets everything and wants to get back together and the other half the time I picture running into him with someone else. Doing all the things we used to do. And it kills me.
I'm trying to keep a routine going in the hopes that will help me get focused. I do the same thing every morning. I get up. I make my bed. I get ready for work. I grab my coffee. And I head to work. When I come home, I grab the mail. I try to eat. I pick up my mess. ˆI watch TV. And I go to bed. And every other day I try to work swimming in there.
I just want some sort of focus back in my life.