Just me and the cats

Mom left to head back home yesterday. Her flight was supposed to leave at noon, but since she was flying United, that didn't happen. She said they sat on the runway for about 45 minutes and then they told them that they had to go back to the gate to fix the plane. Then they waited for another plane to arrive. They sat on that one for another 45 minutes and they then told them that, that plane was broken. And the next flight out was at 10:30pm. She waited for that flight, and got on that one. And the same thing happened. Luckily there was another plane that was leaving around the same time and that plane didn't have any problems. So was able to get home - only 16 hrs late.
My ex is bringing the rest of my things over to my house today. It's hard for me to not call him, not talk to him. And when we do talk it's very short and to the point. We used to be able to talk and laugh and have fun. And now it's awful.
I'm doing better today. But I'm sure when I get home and my stuff is there, with most likely no note, no nothing, I'll probably just break down again. I just wish I had some sign or something that let's me know that he still cares. Even if he doesn't want to be with me. Something that says he still wants to be my friend. Something... but I'll probably never get that.

Took mom to the airport

I took mom to the airport. I cried uncontrollably for about an hour. I know it's going to be difficult and it's going to be a long road back to being back to myself again. I do feel like I can do it. I just feel very tired right now. I'm beat. I feel like I've been beaten up by the world.
I'm having a hard time dealing with not having my ex in my life. Everywhere I go and everything I do seems to have a memory or reminder of him. I'm reminded of him at the supermarket, the drive to work, starting up my computer, Ikea, Target, the movies... it all hurts. I wonder if he feels the same way. Does it hurt him when he goes to a store and they play some goofy Kenny Loggins song that we used to laugh at? Does it hurt when he goes to the supermarket and he picks up some apples and he's reminded of the many times he used to pick on me because I don't like apples? I don't know. I guess I'll never know unless he tells me. I just will never understand how someone can be so into someone and their relationship and then in a span of a month, it's the complete opposite. I want to think that there's something else at work here. I want to believe that once we get out shit together, we'll get back together. but I know, deep down that probably won't happen. That's a movie ending and I don't have movie endings in my life.

Mom leaves today

It was a good but tiring weekend. I promised my therapist that I would go swimming at least 3 times before our next meeting, so I went swimming on Saturday morning. It felt good to swim. Part of me wished that I could just stay in the pool until all of this pain and sadness disappeared.
Mom had cleaned and organized my entire apartment by Friday so we went out and got some baskets and such to make sure everything had a place. I don't know what I would have done if mom hadn't come out. It's going to be hard for me to say goodbye to her today. We spent the rest of Saturday getting the last little bits of stuff for the apartment and putting together a desk. Mom loves Nordstrom's Rack so we went there. I just find that where I would normally be ok with being out all day and being active, I just get tired. Incredibly tired. I feel like my whole body is being forced down with weight. Like someone is pressing down on my shoulders with tremendous force.
We had dinner with my friend Hillary which was nice. It was nice to see someone who I felt like knew what I was going thru. Not that mom doesn't know, it's just that she's feeling something different.
Yesterday we did a bit more shopping. Finished up the apartment, talked about my budget and got ready to have a couple people over for coffee, tea and cake. It was kinda like an open house. That and my friends have promised to make sure that I keep the apartment looking the way it does now. I think it will be good for me. It will give me a routine. Something that will hopefully help me take my mind off of things.
It's still very hard for me to go out. There's always something somewhere that reminds me of him or something we did or said we'd do. I know in time it will get easier but right now, it's just overwhelming.

Thank God Mom's here

I don't know what I'd do without my mom being here. She's gone thru and cleaned my entire apartment. It's sounds rediculous but that's how she deals with stress and pain. I just shut down. And she's right. I do live in a bit of chaos. So having her come in and deal with it, and getting it organized will definitely help me clear up the clutter in my brain.
I went to the therapist yesterday. I spent the entire time crying and sobbing. Which is good, I guess. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of looking like hell. I just want to be better. And I know that it's going to take more than an hour of therapy to get to a place where I feel good again. I just want to be myself again. I've got "homework" from the therapist. I'm supposed to set aside time to cry. That just feels weird to me. But I'll try. And I've got to get to the pool at least 3 times before I see her next. I really do like her. I think she's pretty good so far. But I just want to this be over and I want to be back to me again.

Mom's here

Mom arrived yesterday. I lost it as soon as I saw her. I just wish I could stop crying. She seems to think I've lost weight and that if I just put a little bit of makeup on to hide the fact that I'm tired and worn out, I'd feel much better. I'm at work at the moment and mom's out to breakfast with my friend Darren. After that, she's planing on cleaning up my apartment. I'm a bit of a pack rat and it's driving mom crazy. She also thinks that if I get a bit more organized that will help clear out my head too. I don't know. I don't really want mom going thru all of my stuff, but at the same time I'm just too tired to care. I suppose it couldn't hurt. I know she's worried about me. I'm worried about me. Cleaning and organizing is how my mom deals with it.
Tonight is my first therapy session. We'll see how it goes. I'm just so tired of talking about everything. The only thing I know, is I can't stop crying and I don't know. I just don't know.

Waiting for mom to arrive

This weekend a difficult one for me. I was able to make it thru work ok, but I got home and started to do laundry and then locked myself in my basement. I ended up having to cut a hole in the basement wall thru to my kitchen. After that, it was all down hill. I wrote an email to my ex explaining why I was upset and asking him to explain himself. And on Sunday I got an response. He explained what he was feeling and why he did what he did. Everyone wants me to hate him, but I don't. Don't get me wrong. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm upset. But I don't hate him. I think he was a coward in the way that he broke up with me. And I feel lied to. And that's what brought up a lot more issues that aren't related to him and our break up. I spent most of Sunday night sick and not sleeping and had to call in sick to work on Monday.

Thankfully my friend Darren had the day off so I spent it with him. Not really doing much of anything but it was good to not be at home and dwelling on all of this. I made an appointment with a therapist and my mom is coming out to stay with me for a couple of days to make sure I'm doing ok. I just wish I could stop crying and get passed all this, but I guess in time that will happen.

I just wish I could win the lotto

I am so sick of this job. I hate it. I truly hate it. I actually am thinking about asking my bosses to switch me to the warehouse. I'd so prefer that over working in this office. It's so much like high school in this office. It's driving me mad.
And of course all the other stuff that's happened isn't helping. I can't sleep without some odd dream waking me up. I got my haircut yesterday. Which would have been fine, but there's one curl, on the back of my head that was giving my hairdresser problems. Oddly that's the same curl that my ex loved. He even gave it a name - Larry. So now I can't even go to get my haircut or even look in the mirror to brush my teeth or brush my hair without thinking of him. This is just getting rediculous. I just want to win the lotto, so I can take off and travel. Or even focus on starting my own business as a full time venture, not as a side project.

Feeling better

I guess I'm feeling better. I just want to sleep all the time. I guess that's just my bodies way of coping. I wish I knew why this happened. But I suppose I can wish all I want. I'll never know unless he tells me why. I just can't see where it went wrong. All my memories of us are good ones, which is probably why this hurts so bad. I wonder if he even thinks about picking up the phone to try and explain. Or does he start and email and then stop himself. Has he written a letter and not sent it? I wish I knew. I really liked him. It's hard to have someone in your life and then the next day they're gone, never to be heard from again. It's not like he died. But it kinda feels that way. I got some photos back that we took with one of my christmas presents. They make me smile and laugh but they also make me sad. It's funny, when we're teenagers it seems like breaking up with someone was the end of the world. Little did I know that it gets harder and harder as we get older.

Just another day

I forced myself to leave the house yesterday. Which I suppose was good. It took a lot of out me. I hate this crap. The worst part is not understanding why. And why does everything have some sort of reminder of him attached to it. It just sucks. I think my brain is just telling the rest of my body that we're still dating, but he's away on business or something. I just don't know if it's really fully hit yet. I was finally able to choke down some dinner last night which is good. It's still hard for me to sleep.

I packed up his star wars pj pants that I made for him. I sent them out to him with a note. I'd like to think that we might be able to be friends after all the dust settles. But I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

baby steps

I'm still dealing with the break up. I suppose there were signs, but I'm not sure I noticed them. I think I just wrote them off as work related. I don't know. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. He's the one that has all the answers. I don't hate him. I'm just hurt and I'll eventually get over it. All of this brought a lot of stuff up to the surface that I wasn't really expecting. So I'm dealing with a lot of other things than just this break up. I think the hardest part of all of this is being able to trust someone. He didn't lie to me, but he also wasn't honest with me when he started feeling the way he did. It just seems like everything happened in the last two weeks. And I can't imagine that it was just in the last two weeks that he was feeling this way. I just don't know. I've got a lot of stuff to figure out.
I think I'm gonna try going for a swim tonight.
All I can say right now is, "I don't know. I just don't know."

Today is going to be a long day

This weekend started off ok. I went to Michael's and Joanns to see if i could get the creative juices flowing for a self promo thing to send to some of the design firms around town.

Saturday I did some knitting on the Haiku sweater that I'm making for my cousin's little girl. I got pretty far. So I'm feeling good about that.

Then yesterday... my boyfriend hadn't been himself lately. And he had said that when he gets like this he just wants to hang out at home and not doing anything or talk to anyone. I completely understood, being an only child too. Well it turns out it was more than that. He wanted to break up. It kinda came from out of nowhere. The part that hurts the most is that I had to drive over to his house, and I was the one to say "So what are you saying, do you want to break up?" What angers me the most about this is that I basically did his breaking up for him. I still care deeply for him. We got along great which is where I don't understand where all this came from. It seems like everything was fine and then after New Years, something happened. And I don't know what it was. He said he didn't see us together for the long term. No reason why he didn't see us together for the long term. I'm just tired of this. The last three boyfriends I've had, have pretty much destroyed my will to do much of anything. It hurts to breathe. I know in time I'll get over it. I've gotten over much worse. I'm just tired of getting my heart broken by guys who can't be honest with themselves and me. And guys who make me do their dirty work. I can't take much more of this.

Day 26... will the rain ever end

So this is the 26th day in a row that it's rained and I'm now starting to get used to it.
We had our office party last night. We went to Edmonds to play Whirlyball . It was a blast. If you've never played I suggest everyone go out and try it. It's a combo of basketball, bumper cars and jai-alai. Of course, today we're all super sore. But it was well worth the aches and pains.

I'm hoping this weekend I can actually buckle down and get some serious progress done on my website. No luck finding someone to code the site for me. I just hate doing it. To me, coding is like the highest form of torture. But since it's supposed to rain all weekend (what a shock), I've got no excuses.

My Cousin's in town

Last night my cousin Patrick came into town for work. It's always great to see Pat. My parent's always made sure that I had a close relationship with my extended family. And because most of my family is within about a 30 mile radius of us, it was pretty easy. Pat and I even worked at the same place thru high school and part of college. So it's always good to see Pat. Unfortunately he's only in town for a day. But it was still good to see him.

Tonight is our office holiday party. Since we're in the wholesale business, Christmas time is always busy. So we have our holiday party after the holidays. We're going to play Whirlyball . I've never played before but my boyfriend is a big fan, so it should be a good time.

More rain...

So I was wrong. As of today it's been 24 straight days of rain. This is the part of Seattle I hate. After awhile you just get so sick of grey and being damp. You just want to see the sun or go somewhere where there's anything but rain.

I started another ballet tshirt and had to frog it. I don't know why I can't just figure out how to pick up a dropped stitch without having to rip out most of what I've done. I suppose this time it's for the best. When I really looked at what I done, I realized I was off on my stitch count and that was something that I needed to start over again on.

After work last night I went to Archie McPhee's to hopefully come up with some great ideas for a self promotion mailer. I picked up a few things and I'll try and work them out this weekend. I finally posted something on craigslist for a trade for programming. I can't stand programming websites, so I'm hoping some good soul will help me. This way I can get my portfolio site done sooner rather than later.

Just another day at the office

Nothing exciting happening today. Just another day at the office. My big plans for this evening are to go home and clean the house. We've had 22 straight days of rain, and since I live in a basement apartment, the rain seems to be getting into my apartment. It wasn't so bad at the beginning of the winter, but now it's starting to ruin the floorboards. Ah, the joys of living in Seattle!
And then tomorrow my cousin Patrick is in town for a day or two. I going to pick him up form the airport and we'll hit the town. Or at least go out to eat.

I want to go back

We went to Leavenworth this weekend. It was so nice. It was great to be able to relax and just hang out with friends. It was a bit rainy on Saturday but yesterday was pretty nice. I ended up finishing up the Ballet Tshirt. It doesn't look so bad. I can see where the 2 drop stitches are that I didn't know I dropped. And it's driving me mad. And since it didn't really take me all that long to do, I'm going to make another one. Oh well, I guess that's just the fun of being a relatively new knitter. I just wish we had taken another day or two off so that we could stay in Leavenworth for a few more days. Oh well. There will be other weekends.

Now if i could just get myself to finish that darned Haiku sweater for my cousin's little girl. Maybe I'll go back to working on that tonight while my boyfriend is installing more RAM in his computer.

Only a couple more hours

It's finally Friday! I got into work early this morning so I could take off early. I want to get a headstart on the weekend. My boyfriend and I along with a couple friends of ours are heading to Leavenworth this weekend. It'll be great to be away from Seattle for a bit. And possibly see some snow!

I got home last night and started working on my Ballet tshirt from the Loop-D-Loop book. I about half way done with it. So far so good. I went to count how many stitches I had on my needles as a double check and realized I was 2 short. I added them back on and as I got going realized where I had dropped them. Unfortunately it was way too late for me to go back and try and pick them up again. I'm hoping that I'll be able to cover them up with a pin or two. But other than that, it seems to be smooth sailing. It's actually a pretty easy pattern. I'll probably do another one now that i know the pattern. I'm hoping to have it finished by the end of the evening. We've got a long car drive ahead of us tonight, so it's a perfect time to finish it.

And hopefully I'll be able to get some work done on my portfolio site. I'm not too psyched to work on it. I hate programming the site. I just wish I had millions of dollars to have someone else program it. But then again, if I had millions of dollars, I probably wouldn't be worried about my portfolio site and trying to find a design job.

Happy weekend!

Just another Seattle Rainy day

I got home last night and started work on my portfolio site and got sidetracked. I seem to get sidetracked a lot. I spent most of the time working on a side project that I'm doing with a couple of friends of mine. So I spent most of the evening working on a logo and website for that. I forgot how much I enjoy doing that sort of thing. Especially when it's something that I'm really into. Unfortunately we can quite come up with a name that we all like. We've had a few names that were ok, but nothing that really spoke to us. So we'll keep going until we come up with a good name. I'm hoping that something will hit me during the day today.

I can't wait until my work week is over. I'm just counting down the time until we can head to Leavenworth. Oh well... it's almost here.

Too much time knitting

After work last night I went to Weaving Works. I ended up getting another knitting book, and a hank of Manos del Uruguay Cotton Stria yarn. I'm thinking about making the Isabeau Purse that I found on the Knittyboards. - because I just don't have enought projects going. I got home and started working on my ballet tshirt. I was at the armhole shaping and miscounted because I had to rip out what I had done. And because I wasn't paying attention, I dropped a stitch and it just went downhill from there. I eventually decided to start over again. Fortunately I wasn't there far along in the project. But it still stinks. So now I'm back to the armhole shaping for this evening.

If I can get my lazy butt into work a bit earlier tomorrow, I'll try and post a couple of photos of my progress.

I'm heading to Leavenworth with my boyfriend and some friends of ours. Hopefully when they're off snowboarding I'll be able to knit and get work done on my portfolio site. This customer service job just isn't cutting it anymore. I really like the people I work with, but the job is far from challenging. And I miss design work. Now I've just got to come up with some creative self promotion thing... I'll save that project for tomorrow...

Hello... is this thing on?

So this is my first attempt at a blog. I've got way too many projects going on and not enough me, time and patience to even begin to finish them all. I figure if I try and write about them, then maybe I'll be forced to finish them.

Currently I'm working on the Haiku sweater for my cousin's little girl. I just started the back of it. So far, so good. Fortunately I started it when I was back east for Christmas. Thank God for Grandma's who can knit like a pro!

The other knitting project I've got going is the Ballet Tshirt from the Loop-d-Loop book. I just started it last night. It seems to be going well. I was having a bit of problems with finding the right size circular needles. It suggests using size 15 - 24" needles, but I ended up using size 17 - 16" needles. We'll see how it goes.

Oh and on top of the knitting, I've got some baby tshirt designs I need to silkscreen on some onesies and my portfolio website to finish up - I really can't stand the customer service world anymore... I want back into design.

And on that note, I suppose I should get back to work - customer service work that is...